It has taken me a while to write this post.
Three years to be precise.
That is when my best friend of 23 years decided to ghost me.
If you don’t know what ghosting is it is when someone ignores your emails, blocks you on all social media and refuses to talk to you. Basically it is extreme passive aggressive behaviour for those that hate confrontation.
To this day I still don’t know exactly what went wrong. For months afterwards I tried to guess the reasons and drove myself crazy. In the end the reality was for whatever reason she did not value our friendship as much as I did. You can’t change people. You just have to accept the situation and move on.
Although initially it hurt me to my core and I mourned the loss of our friendship like a death in the family it challenged me to discover new friends.
Why Losing My Best Friend Was One of the Best Things That Ever Happened To Me
I’ve been very lucky that blogging has afforded me the opportunity to meet many wonderful like minded people all over the world.
It wasn’t but a few weeks after this happened that I chose to travel overseas by myself and meet Anja, Greetje and Sylvia in the Netherlands.
I’m so happy I did!
It was an adventure I’m sure I wouldn’t have taken alone prior to losing my friend. I relied too heavily on that relationship.
Looking back my Mom always said that friends were important, not just one friend, a basketful of friends. Naively I always said that I didn’t need a basket when I had one really good, true friend. Proof that one should always listen to their Mom.
Now I’m gathering a basketful of good friends all over the world via blogging.
Each person is a universe of discovery. Some are vastly creative, others are skilled business women, others just make me laugh till I cry.
My personal life enriching experiences and adventures have expanded a thousand fold after losing that one friend.
In losing one friend I gained the confidence to seek out new friends and take risks again.
As we age it isn’t easy to find new friends or make new connections however blogging has been my saviour in that regard.
So as they say, in life when a door closes a window opens and in my case about ten windows opened and there are many more waiting to be opened.
Losing my best friend of twenty-three years forced me to open myself up, allowing new people to enter my life. My new friends challenge and inspire me more than my old comfortable friendship would have. My mind and heart have grown in so many ways I never thought possible. I never could have imagined something I initially thought was so devastating would turn out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Life is full of surprises. If we look beyond our initial pain from an unforeseen difficult situation and open ourselves up to new experiences, the world is rich with possibilities.
At this stage in your life do you have one best friend or a basketful of friends? Do you rely heavily on that one relationship? Have you ever been ghosted or lost a friend after a long period of time?
Linking up with the wonderful Patti at Visible Monday.
What a horrible thing it have happened, especially as you haven’t the faintest idea of the reason why. I’m glad you were able to turn things around and that you have found so many real friends who are enriching your life in so many ways! Hugs xxx
What a moving story, and I’m glad you have found a way to move on. It seems incredibly cruel that your friend just cut you off after such a long time and without an explanation. It must have been a long, difficult process to come to terms with that.
I lost a friend a year ago, after what I perceived as her backstabbing me. I think I’m quite a tolerant person, but someone knowingly throwing me under the bus is a deal-breaker. Of course, she failed to see it the same way, which in turn opened my eyes to see that perhaps she had never seen me as her equal to begin with. Anyway, we had a massive row and I never expect to hear from her again. And while I think I probably don’t need a small-minded bigot in my life, I mourn the 20-year friendship we had. But you have to grieve before you can move on and let new people and experiences in…
So very true. That first year for me was very difficult as I’m sure it was for you.
I think that what this experience taught me that no matter how well you “think” you know someone, in the end you don’t really know them at all. It is just what they are allowing you to see.
I always knew she avoided confrontation and I should have been more aware since she did this to two other very long time friends of hers that went as far back as childhood. I never thought she’d do it to me though.
Sad to lose a friend like that but you’ve made some great new friends…I read all their blogs. Next time you go on your travels Suzanne come over to London!
Last time I was in London was about 5 years ago but I used to live there ages ago. It is a place I love to visit…so who knows?
There’s that saying, “A friend is for a reason, a season or forever”. The first truly *best* friend I ever had was murdered in 2007, and it took me a long time to open up to the possibility of deeply loving another woman as a platonic soul mate. When I did, that relationship was wonderful for a couple of years, and then? That person let work politics destroy their good side and we fell apart. Once I left that work situation, I said goodbye to her and her to me. But she was my friend for a “reason”–which was to remind me that my chances at “best” friendship did not die with my sweet Luray, and I will find more soul mates and kindred spirits in the world, and I can go on if/when these friendships don’t last.
Some of my female students, when I was teaching college, would talk about having formal “friend breakups” and they would meet up, discuss their reasons for breaking up, and then go forward. Which, when you think about it, is incredibly mature in many ways, and grants a bit more closure than being ghosted might.
I’m glad blogging has opened up so many new avenues of friendship for you.
What a devastating way to lose a friend. No doubt that would be difficult to recover from such a traumatic experience.
I think the fact that there was never closure was one of the hardest things for me. I agree, “friend breakups” sound very civilized indeed.
How strong you have been to reach out and create new bonds, Suzanne! And to look at this “loss” as actually a gain!
And these new friends are certainly wonderful women with hearts of gold!!
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
That “ghosting” thing is just terrible, and strikes me as cowardice. Still it hurts like crazy and leaves us all wondering Why? . . . And I got a lump in my throat seeing all these fabulous “new” friends, and all the joy you’re sharing. And what’s this life about if we aren’t sharing joy? xox
Patti
http://notdeadyetstyle.com
That’s so sad, Suzanne. You come across as a wonderfully warm and funny person and I’d love to meet you as I know we’d get on like a house on fire.
I can’t believe a friend of so many years would just cut you off like that. How strange.
You’ve certainly made up for that horrible break-up by meeting so many fabulously, genuine women through blogging.
I hope your ex-friend reads this and feels thoroughly ashamed of her childish behaviour. xxx
A similar situation happened to me, with a “friend” that I only had for a year. I can’t imagine how hard it would be with a friend of 23 years…
http://styleforlessvegas.wordpress.com
It was devastating but thankfully time heals all wounds : )
I have had two long term close friendships that “dramatically fizzled”.
One of them was based on my friend’s deception, dishonesty and character flaws that were revealed as part of the break up, and concluded with a geographic separation that ultimately ended the friendship. The other was really part of my own process of emotional growth and evolving self confidence. I was the one who broke it off for a period of time. It took some time to gain a more mature perspective and the growth necessary to reconnect. That friendship continues, but has never fully recaptured the part of my heart that it once owned.
Is it the longevity of a friendship commitment that makes these endings so heartbreaking? I certainly felt a terrible and painful loss in each case. Ultimately I learned a lot about I myself from each of these failed relationships. I still feel that snap of hurt when I think of these women and the impact of losing their love. I’m thankful I grew because of their role in my life.
I don’t know if many friends is “better” than one or two close friendships. Like you Suzanne, I know that my appreciation for the MANY friends that I love and respect, is joyful, fulfilling, loving and informative to living the life I want to live.
I think the reason my Mom strongly suggested more than one friend was because of this very possibility of losing that friend.
I understand your snap of hurt and agree that through pain we learn and grow, as difficult as it may be.
Thanks for the lovely, well written comment Jude!
Dear Suzanne, I am so glad that you discovered so many nice friends all over the world, and yes, we should listen to our mothers 🙂 I didn’t know what ghosting was and now I do, thank you! I really cannot understand why a person after 23 years of friendship can ghost a real friend – maybe she was depressed, maybe she wanted to be completely aloe, maybe even a hormonal change, who knows. But as you see, you improved your circle, you moved on and went to the Netherlands, found so many lovely people though blogging! I also think that sometimes people entered our lives with a purpose that will be revealed much later. I guess this was the case! Hope you have a nice week! Bisous!
DenisesPlanet.com
I did think about the hormonal change at the time. In the end I couldn’t keep guessing and let it frustrate me.
What you went through is hard and I have gone through it myself. I know that some friends are meant to friends, for a reason, for a time period and that the friendship may end. It may be one-sided and it may be consensual. I’ve had both. I’ve been dumbfounded as to why I was ghosted and attempts to find out were ignored. I’ve made it a point since then to explain when I can, if appropriate, why I cannot be friends with someone. I know I’ve made someone’s heart break once by doing so but I felt being honest with her instead of ignoring her would be best and another friend started laughing when I responded to their inquiry of “will you promise to always be my friend?” with a simple no. They realized how ridiculous that was and appreciated my honesty.
It seems as though you have found your tribe whether they are close by or not. That’s an amazing feeling. 🙂
I think that being honest with someone is SO much better even if it is hard to hear.
How cool to have met so many bloggers IRL.
I’m so sorry you lost your friendship. It must be like a suicide in the family where you question and question what went wrong without any closure.
You have had the sweetest revenge, making your life a richer space.
Xo Jazzy Jack
PS If you ever pop over to Oz I would love to meet you!
I will be sure to look you up should I return to Oz. My husband spends quite a bit of time there and will be in Melbourne again next week.
I’m so sad you have to suffer but you learned an important lesson and enriched your life. Yes, good things often bloom from bad. The worst thing your ex-friend did was not explain her rejection. At least that would have given you closure.
I’m thrilled to be in your basket! Most people are happier with a gang of friends than one BFF. Which is why the transition from college to early-adulthood is so hard. I’ve been actively tossing people in my basket, a process that’s deeply rewarding. See you this week!
I agree that it would have been simpler if I had simply known the reason why.
It was so much fun seeing you!
I had a very similar experience about five years ago. It really shook me to my core. Part of what was so difficult was that the person didn’t deem it necessary to explain why she felt the way she did…
I love that this experience inspired you to make new friends all over the world. I have actually made some very good friends through blogging. And I hope to meet more “in real life” once the kid is a bit older….
It is surprising the number of people that have had similar experiences. I’m sorry to hear you are amongst that crowd.
Suzanne, I’m so very sorry you had this experience of losing your friend. I understand absolutely as I have had it happen to me over and over. Like you, I spent months trying to work out what I did wrong but I now understand that people come into our lives at certain times and are there to teach us something about ourselves. Maybe we’ve been moving forward and they just aren’t on the journey with us. But new doors open… I’m still incredibly fortunate to have my two best friends from twenty and thirty years ago even though we live hours apart. I’ve learned to “read” people better now and am happy not to fall into the “over committed” friend role where the other doesn’t give back – and valuing those who give equally to the friendship. I am so happy you have found these wonderful friends through blogging. You are amazing, beautiful, clever, fun… xx
I agree that we must learn from our experiences and continue to move forward in life.
Old friends such as you have are treasures despite the distance.
So happy to have you as my friend Suzanne. Coming to Holland at that time was a GREAT decision. I’m still hoping that I may be able to see you again in new York this year.
Yes I have been ghosted. Indeed very frustrating. Wondering why, why, why?
And I am glad you found new friends and that I am one of them. The nice thing of a CLOSE best friend is being able to share a lot immediately. My two best friends are not living near me. Too bad.
But I do have a lot of friends. I say: the more the merrier.
Greetje
I agree that there are some parts of having a very close friend that I miss but I am learning to fill in the gaps so-to-speak with friends from my basket : )
I’m so sorry to hear you lost your friend but you gained a whole lot of joy instead! You have had so many joyful meet ups with some lovely people. I would love to meet some of them, esp Ally and Melanie! I am glad of the happiness it has broought you!
I don’t really have a best friend now. I somehow lost track with most of my friends when I left uni and became a teacher but I have a lot of acquaintances I get on well with but perhaps very few close friends or proper friends who I see regularly. Mind you, my life has always been rather like that- I’ve always done so many things that I always met new people. That said, it would be nice to have close friends to see often.
I’ve had a few blogger meet ups which i am very glad about!
Blogger meet-ups are the best! They add so much to my life and that is truly the main reason I continue to blog. Not because I’m making millions of $! Hahahahaha! Yeah. Shocker right?
I agree it would be nice if some of my new friends lived close enough to get together with once a week. When you need to hop on a plane to see a friend it becomes quite expensive.
What a beautiful and well written piece! I am so sorry that your friend ghosted you so ghastily !
But now you have a wonderful basket of friends, and I think your mom does know Best!
I do recognize many faces here, how nIce to see you all together and happy !
I also have a much cherished basket!
Xx, Elle
http://www.theellediaries.com/
Thanks Elle : )
I’m a person who always wants to know what happened and why, so the “Ghosting” thing would drive me nuts. Like you, when a relationship dissolves, I need to have some sort of closure in order to move on. Someone I thought was a good friend cut me off after she started seeing a guy (we had become friends after her husband passed away) and told me that obviously our friendship meant more to me than to her. Wow….anyway, the point is, that being dumped, ignored, or ghosted by someone you thought was your friend hurts and it takes time to get past it.
I really like the idea of having a basket of friends, and up until about 6 years ago, I was one of those people who had one or two good friends, but since I started blogging, I feel like I have acquired a lovely tribe of like-minded women whose company I enjoy. I’m very glad you consider part of your basket!
I too felt that the friendship meant much more to me that to the other person which is a hard fact to face.
I’ve had quite a few good friends throughout the years but they are all over the world and none of them are close to where I live. I met them when I lived abroad and was travelling at the time.
After that I had one close friend for years which was the one I was referring to that ghosted me. I ‘ve learned my lesson not to rely so heavily on one person anymore and I’m back to enjoying more long distance friends.
I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your friend- that’s hard. But I’m glad to hear that because of it, you have been able to make new friends- a whole basket full! And thank-you for sharing this harder-to-write post with us all too.
Thanks Nicole. I’ve been thinking about writing this post from day one of the ghosting but needed to allow myself enough emotional space.
Ghosting is a new concept to me Suzanne and a pretty rough trip by all accounts. I wonder if you grew emotionally during your relationship and maybe she didn’t? The other thing that comes to mind is jealousy. Looking on from the outside you have a wonderfully rich life, with a loving husband and a strong sense of identity that she perhaps came to resent. Your life, your blog, your creativity could all conspire to make her feel threatened, insecure and so jealous that she had to treat you as she did. I may be barking up the completely wrong tree, but whatever, it’s her loss.
You’ve branched out and forged so many true friendships now through the world of blogging that you have no need to doubt yourself as to whether you’re a good friend – you undoubtedly are. I join in with Gail and Vix in requesting that you hop across the pond and visit London for our own UK meet up. I’d be there like a shot!
Thanks for your support and comments you leave for me. I appreciate your friendship more than you know x
Anna
You are not the first person to suggest jealousy to me. Several other people mentioned the same.
My ex friend was 9 years older than me and regularly was mistaken for my Mother. It’s not my fault that this happened but possibly it was an influencing factor in why she chose to make the break. Who knows? I think the method she chose to make the break was very cowardly. In the end it taught me a great lesson.
When I had Ally and Patti over this weekend we discussed other bloggers we’d like to meet in real life and your name was mentioned a couple of times : ) so the feeling is mutual.
Oh, I love this post! I’ve always held the belief that a circle of friends is the best, and the wider the circle grows the more enriching our lives will be. Not to mention the fun, the excitement and energy, the inspiration and love that is shared within that circle. The most important aspect is to just be willing to continually let that circle broaden. I feel truly blessed to have you in this circle of friendship.
My best friend of 30 years and I “broke up” five years ago. It was so hard, but she had become a very toxic person in my life and I had to let the relationship go. I was sad and lost for a year afterward, because I honestly didn’t have very many other friends. But I have slowly been gaining new friends, both from blogging and in my community, and have been so richly blessed. I do believe things happen for a reason, but sometimes it’s hard to see why.
That is too bad Lana. So many people around our age seem to have gone through something similar.
I’m glad you have found new friends.
Hi this is such a great post. My best friend and her husband died 10 years ago in a plane crash and I was so, so sad, but time has been a great healer. I do think often about what her thoughts would be on various endeavours I have undertaken in the intervening years. Nurturing a variety of friendships has also been important, her loss making me realise that we had been too exclusive 🙂 Her husband and mine were the best of friends too so we can share reminiscences which was such comfort in the early days.
glad that you finally get something good from a bad experience!, being ‘ghosted’ looks like a really awful thing, particularly if it’s done by an old friend. I think it’s way better to have a fight and break-up, at least you could closure ‘oficially’ a relationship.
But you’re right, having a basket of good friends which share your fabulous attitude is something wonderful! and blogger meetings are amazing!!
I understand you well, as I also moved some years ago and had to realized how difficult is to make friends when you’re not young anymore. I’ve moved many times in the past and never had problems to find my place in a new city. But it’s not that easy anymore. Now I’m making more friends due to blogging than due to any other activity!. That really has saved my social life!
besos
I’m so happy for you that the loss of that friendship brought you so many other friendships! Good for you!.
I have lost the friendship with a bestie twice and both times were indeed devastating.
Luckily I always had a rather large basket of fantastic friends. Still do. My longest friendship dates back to when I was 5 years old. The rest of my friends I met somewhere between 45 years ago till just a couple of months ago. My friends mean the world to me.
Miss you!