What People Think Of Me Is None Of My Business
As a blogger I never know how someone is going to react to what I write or if it will resonate with them. For the most part I write to share my thoughts and feelings on subjects that interest me and hopefully offer up a laugh or two along the way.
Five years ago I did a style interview for Sylvia at 40+ Style.
I enjoyed doing the interview and I even appreciated re-reading what I wrote just now.
Here is one of my favourite quotes,
Confidence can carry off any outfit. Confidence comes with self acceptance and loving yourself. If you can do that, you can wear almost anything you like, no matter your age.
Needless to say, that interview was met with some hostility and negativity by one reader who said that I lacked elegance and wearing distressed jeans, berets and bright colours was for those twenty-five or younger.
???
To me this was and still is antiquated thinking.
Needless to say, I responded,
Almost daily in real life people compliment me on my clothing choices. I don’t ask for it. They offer it. People always remark about how well dressed I am.
Maybe they can’t tell what age I am. Maybe they don’t have a preconceived idea of what 47 is supposed to look like. Maybe “elegant” fashion for women over 40 isn’t subdued, neutral and forgettable.
I would hope that I have obtained a certain level of elegance with my choices but that I haven’t sacrificed my creative sense of self just because I am over a certain age limit.
I realize that my style isn’t for everyone and I certainly wouldn’t be wearing it if I thought I didn’t have the confidence or body with which to carry it off. My goal is to look the best I can, never be referred to as boring and leave a lasting impression.
I’m not disappearing because I’m older. I’m still the same vibrant, sexy, creative relevant person I always was, but now with a few wrinkles and much more experience under my belt.
And I have to mention this…under 25??? Yikes. Is that when women must give up keeping current and being relevant with the rest of the world?
I wrote an entire blog post dedicated to why I disagreed with this woman. You can read the full post here.
This is some of what I said,
How I dress is a statement to the world as to how I want to be perceived. My clothes communicate a message without ever having to open my mouth.
What I hope they are saying is:
I’m creative,
relevant,
vibrant,
artistic,
fun,
valuable,
unique,
exciting,
sexy,
energetic,
strong,
funny,
caring,
warm.
What I hope my clothes aren’t saying is:
I’m old,
boring,
tired,
dull,
passé,
like everyone else,
forgettable,
silent,
invisible,
unapproachable,
irrelevant,
unhappy,
unworthy.
I recently received a wonderful comment in response to this post that I’d like to share with you.
Dear Suzanne,
Having looked at the last post of this wonderful thread, I am a LITTLE (60 months!) behind, but your knowledge and self-awareness have been quite insightful and most helpful to me on my own “journey”.
You see, I am a transgender woman who recently began Hormone Replacement Therapy and I constantly struggle with not being “pretty” enough during this awkward phase. But as your less-than-civil beret-disparager above and those I have been in contact with have shown, people are more than happy to share THEIR thoughts about how THEY think we should live our lives. Ugh…
As you illustrated in your above writing, we ALL get to live our lives as we choose…wear that beret if you like…head out the door, even if you are stubbly and not feeling cute. We ALL get to present ourselves in a manner of OUR choosing and, here’s the hard part, ignoring those really have NO say in how we choose to conduct our lives.
We humans are hard-wired to care about what people think because we are a social animal, but where does it end? Who gets the final say on our what choice/hairstyle/skirt length/shoe choice/hair color, etc? WE DO!
As an example, my daughter is, as she identifies, a bo-ho chick. She loves long flowy dresses undercut hair styles and so on. People talk about her style (not positively) enough that she has some tough skin about it and does not tolerate it. A number of people have recently told her that she and her SIX YEAR OLD daughter look and act mannish!!! What human being in their right mind would walk up to a stranger and her daughter…only to tell them that? Some people are just cruel. But, as my wife says…”Hurt people hurt other people”.
So I now live by the old adage…”What people think of me is none of my business.”.
Thank you again for a wonderfully inspiring piece that came to me at a critical time in my transition.
Katherine.
I agree, what people think of me is none of my business.
It is important to remember that we are all human beings, deserving of kindness and respect. We don’t know what another person is living through.
It is best to do as my mother always taught me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
And if you have some kind words for someone, please open your heart and share them with that person. It may be the only bright moment of their day.
Linking up with Patti for Visible Monday, Turning Heads Tuesday and Fancy Friday
Yes, what people think of us is none of our business. But it’s often harder said than done. I’m still surprised by what unkind comments people will write, usually anonymously. I understand that style is very personal and that we all like different things, have different values and preferences. But I truly don’t understand that people take the time to outline everything they don’t like about what someone else is wearing… If you don’t like it, move on. And, yes, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
I love you in that dress BTW!
I know it’s none of your business, but I think you’re AWESOME!
This post is brilliant. Thank you for writing it. And publishing it.
I’m quite sure you’ve helped a lot of people…discussing this subject. The comment from Katherine is the tip of the iceberg.
So, Please keep writing.
Thanks Sue : ) It means lots. As a blogger I often feel like I’m yelling into a void.
Well said and well written!! It’s none of my business what others think but that is not the reason I wear clothes. There is always a good read here and I must say THANKS.
Thank Neti : )
Of course I agree. That won’t be news to you. I still am surprised about all the negative comments, both in the street (you and your daughter are mannish?) and online. For some lucky reason I never get such comments. Am I mainstream? I hope not. I only got one comment on Facebook that was negative. I responded with a joke, she laughed and removed the comment. That’s all. Perhaps I look as if I have a sharp tongue and people don’t dare haha.
Your dress is lovely. I might not be a vintage lover for myself, but I love the dress on you.
Greetje
You like the dress because it isn’t vintage! Ha ha! It was thrifted but is from H&M last year.
It’s amazing how people feel they have the need to share their negativity with us. They may not enjoy our choices, but that’s the thing. They are our choices. Even if we were trying to look 25…which you’re not. It’s our choice and luckily this is still a free country!!
I love looking at it all this way. Definitely none of my business!!
XOXO
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
You are right Jodie. Everyone makes their own choices. I appreciate that we don’t all choose the same thing.
You have to feel sorry for people like that. Those kinds of self limiting thoughts stifle creativity, and therefore, what makes life fun. They really don’t know what they’re missing, poor things.
Theresa
Ha! Great way to look at it Theresa : )
I say this to my daughters all the time. They roll their eyes, but I hope they hear me!
I’m sure they will remember it when the need arises. I remember almost everything my Mom told me when I rolled my eyes at her, way back in the day. Ha! Now I know it was all true.
I agree with the point of view in life, but when we decide to blog, to communicate with others about ourselves we necessarily enter into a conversation with them. Not every conversation is comfortable, not every conversation is convivial and agreeable. It would be wonderful if people could disagree agreeably, but that is unlikely. So, the question comes down to what our expectations for our blogging are… if it’s to seek only affirming, positive feedback then maybe blogging isn’t the best choice. Taking negative comments seriously and using them to educate (which is kind of what you have done here) seems like a good strategy.
I agree that we cannot expect all positive feedback, we can’t please everyone. It was something I thought long and hard about before starting to blog. Blogging makes us vulnerable.
In today’s world of faceless comments and online interactions I do find that people are much more ruthless than they would be in real life. Would that woman have told me the same thing had she and I been talking together in person? Not likely. I do think that people hide behind their computer screens.
Hi Suzanne!
OMG! I had no idea that my letter had turned into a post! I just happened to stop by to see any of your new outfits and there it was. I even got a little teary-eyed as I was so happy, but don’t tell anyone. :o)
I am so honored and appreciative that my words were of value to you. Isn’t it just amazing how people can inspire each other, as your post from five years ago inspired me and carried a wonderful message that said “ignore the haters and live for YOU!”
I am learning and refining my growing sense of personal style. My wife calls this my “teenage girl” phase. Ha Ha She is a little more refined in her style than I, so we do have some style “kerfuffles”…mostly with skirt/dress length. The fingertip rule is what I live by! :o)
As you also alluded to in you post, saying nothing if one has nothing nice to say, is always a polite choice that more people should use….especially online.
A short story of inspiration…my wife and I took a cruise together about a year ago and the ship’s passengers were predominantly of a more “senior age” than us. As a point of reference, we are both in our 50’s but young at heart. :o)
So…a lot of the passengers were looking at me (all 6’2″ / 188cm) and were wondering what was going on? From a generational perspective, I do undertand that …to a point. Transgender people are now coning out hiding and it can be a challenge for those who never had to deal with us.
So I would just smile and keep on rolling…but it does wear on a person. So we had dressed up for dinner one night and I was sitting outside the dining room waiting for my wife when a WONDERFUL lady came up behind me, touched my shoulder and told me how beautiful I looked. I get teary-eyed every time I think about that.
She didn’t have to say anything, but her small act of kindness made all of the negative vibes I had been feeling just melt away. I will never forget her. More importantly, I try to be like her and lift up others when I can….we never know what other people are going through.
So in closing…thank you for inspiring me with your lovely and colorful and unique and fun and vibrant sense of style (was that enough “ands”? Ha Ha) but most importantly, thank you for your inspiration that has made me a better and stronger woman.
Sincerely,
Katherine.
P.S. Your dress is absolutely beautiful! The colors of the flowers look as if the dressmaker made that dress just for you and your hair color.
What a wonderful story Katherine. People don’t realize how much impact a positive comment can make for someone.
I’ve been insecure for most of my life, I find that I care less what people think the older I get. I also agree with your mother’s adage of that “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”, and I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would feel the need to vent such a negative comment. What’s more, why read blogs like this at all if you feel one should become invisible after the age of 25. You’ve got an incredible sense of style, and, like a lot of other bloggers I’m following, you are an inspiration to me. Dressing the way I do is where I got most of my confidence from, anyway, and like you I get a lot of compliments about the way I dress. I would never have had to guts to wear what I’m wearing now at the age of 25, when all I cared about was blending in. Getting Katherine’s comment must have made your day! xxx P.S. Forgot to tell you but I love that dress you’re wearing, which you awesomely combined with the leopard print booties and fringy bag! xxx
I find it so interesting that you had no confidence when you were younger Ann as you come across so confident now. Wonderful to see that you grew into it as you grew older.
I’ve always been confident with my style choices, even as a kid. I’ve been “the weird eccentric one” forever ; P
I never, and never have, understand people who criticize other people by the way they look. I think every human being is unique and worth to get to know. Even,, bad,, people. There is beauty in everyone and everyone’s style is unique and therefore fantastic. That is what I believe. Btw, Suzanne…… I bought two, yes TWO , DvF dresses!whaaaas
Ha! You made out like a bandit shopping in the UK then!
I agree with you. We need to be kinder and more forgiving in this world.
That final photo excudes confidence!
I have a problem with that statement because in my mind if it’s none of my business then I should discard anything positive they have to say as well!
But I do get the gist of what you’re saying and agree with it.
Somehow I don’t really care about what people think of my clothing. I think it is the dramatic gene in me. I love to stand out and make a statement.
Also, I trust my eyes when I analyse myself in the mirror before I leave home.
To become confident in my outfits I often practise them and find ones where I feel effortless. And choose an outift and don’t fiddle with it once chosen. When people keep adjusting scarves or belts or necklines it is a tell tale sign they are feeling uncomfortable.
Xo Jazzy Jack
You are right, I suppose I shouldn’t care about either but I do. It might be more about the other person taking the time to show kindness that I admire more so than the compliment itself. It shows me there are still good people in the world.
I am new to your blog, but I agree with your thoughts. In the end the only thing that really matters is that we are kind and show gratitude. Life is too short to waist it on being angry and so focused on what we think others should be doing that we have no joy or purpose. You have fabulous style and that dress is amazing. Thanks for sharing. – Amy
http://stylingrannymama.com/
Lovely of you to pop by Amy!
I just tried to leave a comment on your blog but was unsuccessful. : ( .
I’ve copied and pasted it here. It was for your Sept 25th post.
“My comment didn’t work : ( .
Will try again.
As an avid lover of bright, bold, highly saturated colours my favourite piece in this ensemble is the purse.
I commend you for trying something new.
Suzanne
http://www.suzannecarillo.com“
Wow. You astound me, Suzanne. Your writing here is exemplary and your point is sound.
Thank you for shining a light on Katherine. You have similarly lifted me up in important ways at critical times in my journey. Your compassion, intelligence and kindness are extraordinary.
Thanks Ally : ) . I feel the same way about you.
Bravo to you my dear for this wonderful piece. I love your attitude to dressing and more importantly to life. We are so similar you and I and by choosing to be expressive and sometimes very creative in our dressing it can lead us to be a bit ‘out there’ in the fashion stakes. For me that flamboyance helped me to find myself after I emerged from the menopause, that most treacherous of times when many women can lose their identity completely and become part of the beige masses. The rebel in me refused to go quietly and that’s why I identify so strongly with you (and the likes of Mel) as my tribe. I’m used to catching the looks on some women’s faces as they struggle to disguise their disapproval of my outfit of the day, but more often than not, it will remind me how pleased I am not to be wearing the safe uniform of the bland. Dare to be different was my motto as a teenager and yes, I did struggle style-wise during the baby years, when baby puke and baggy jumpers were de rigeur, but hey, I’m rocking 60 now and anything goes!
You’re a total inspiration to me, a delight to follow and always a joy to behold. Keep on being you – it’s what you’re best at!
Much love,
Anna x
You are also an inspiration for me Anna : ) Your high energy, bold looks and fearless ability to conquer whatever stands in your way makes 60 look amazing! Keep on rockin’!
Suzanne, this is such a wonderfully written post and I so agree with your sentiments. It seems obvious to me that the woman who didn’t get you , is the one that is missing out on the joy that expressing yourself through how you dress. We all have different lives and make our own style choices but that doesn’t give anyone the right to put down those with a more artistic flair.
It is one of life’s joys to dress as you please and feel vibrant and confident , especially as we age.
It is part of the joys of life that we are so different. It would be terribly dull if we all dressed the same way.
I love how you put it, “more artistic flair”. That’ll be my comeback next time ; P
As per usual Suzanne, I adore this fabulous outfit. The printed dress is beautiful and the fringe bag hits all the right notes. I agree with everything from column a, and disagree with everything from columb b, What are we supposed to be after 25? Invisible?
What a narrow minded thing to say. This is probably written from a person who has not experienced much of life.
You keep being you and continue to inspire , and
Yes to berets, and beautiful women of all ages!
❤️❤️❤️
Elle
https://theellediaries.com/
You are a perfect example of a woman that doesn’t allow her age to dictate her choices. I love that!
wonderful post!!
it seems a special american (&australien) thing to be that very critical at how a women has to look….. (years of international blog reading)
things are not perfectly tolerant in good old (western) europe – but here is it much more liberal – at least how people react in public.
being the very exotic bird since childhood i got some stupid calls of cause – but i always knew that they result from fear, envy and other negative feelings.
LOOOVE you look – fab dress and the top knot is so cool! and those boots and the fringed bag – gorgeous!
katherine´s letters are very moving! tell her to have some looks to us europeans for more ease in styling 😀
xxxxx
I never thought that Europeans were less likely to comment…maybe that is true. When I lived in England I found they could be very judgemental, on more than just clothes.
Dear Suzanne,
First of all, I love that look with that dress and bag!
Now…I’m 51 (and a half) years old, and I feel young as my father used to say (he past away on his 70 and he was ever young)…Youth is something we feel, no matter the age we have….there are old and bored people with 20 years old.
Today with my 51s I feel more confindence with my body….I accept me as I’m.
I absolutly agree with your lists….I try to be funny, confidence, energetic, sexy, vibrant, unique, strong….etc, etc, even when I take out Maga…my greyhound.
I read sometime, and I agree, that a pretty body is that it has a pretty person in it…And I think, that is what we try to transmit to others with our clothes.
I really think, (and I defend it always), that women we should support other women, no matter colour, age, social class, or sexual election….
Keep that way!!!
Kisses from Madrid!
How wonderful of you to stop by Mariel!
I do agree that presenting ourselves as we want to been seen by others is the number one reason I take the time and make the effort to dress as I do. I’m dead set against blending in.
It is beautiful when other women lift each other up rather than tearing each other down.
Hi Suzanne
I enjoyed this post and beleive too that the way one dresses is an expression of themselves. I love to be creative with fashion as it should be fun, and i think that equates to not being boring or dull. I think people nowadadys are more negative, writing things especailly on social media, that one you would think, not say to someone’s face.
I do believe in being positive and like you mentioned, the one comment you make, may be the one that uplifts someone for the day. I agree with the addage, if you dont have something nice to say, dont say anything at all!
I do think we individually have to be happy with ourselves , and that is the most important. and I will continue to wear color., mini skirts and textured tights even if I am not 25!
thanks for linking!
jess xx
http://www.elegantlydressedandstylish.com
You have a great eye for knowing what looks amazing on you Jessica. You always look happy with your choices too which I think translates directly to your level of confidence.
I do love your hair worn up like that!
What a brilliant post.
Like most people of our age, I was brought up to believe that if you can’t think of anything nice to say then shut the f*ck up. I remember that catty comment very well and it just smacked of sheer envy.
It does take a lot to put yourself out there and I’m aware that there’s a couple of catty websites that specialise in bitching about bloggers (I feature quite regularly, I’ve been told). They can say what they like – I ain’t gonna change my ways – but I’d rather not read it, ta very much!
Isn’t it funny that you can get hundreds of positive comments and the one horrible one is the one that preys on your mind rather than the others?
xxx
They have websites for ridiculing bloggers? Good grief! Don’t they have any better way to spend their time?
Tearing each other down doesn’t lift them up. Someone needs to explain that to them.
I actually hadn’t thought of that comment for five years until I went back and re-read the post after Katherine left that comment. Then the anger and hurt resurfaced. If I were a less confident person it might have stayed with me.
Katherine’s story is so moving – how lovely that your post inspired her to share her story with you (and you share it with us). Like many bloggers of our age, I was also raised with the rule “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”, and for the most part I follow it. I think when you decide to put photos of yourself onto the internet, hoping that kindred spirits will respond, you have to prepare yourself for the negative feedback as well. I am shocked at the level of toxic negativity that is leveled at people on the internet – things that would likely never be said to someone’s face seem to be perfectly fine to leave in a comment. This is why I think it’s important to compliment people in person when something about them pleases you. I have seen first hand how a few words can change someone’s mood for the better.
I agree 100%. If we could all do this wouldn’t the world be a better place?
Criticism can be harsh and hurtful and people should be careful with expressing it.
Yes, the wise thing is to try and not be affected, but that’s hard.
Online media make it super easy for people to throw something out there with a big reach. That’s one of the disadvantages of it, in my opinion.
On a more positive note, as you suggest yourself: kind words can do wonders. It’s one of my goals to express positive thoughts and feelings towards the person in question. So if I find myself thinking: “Wow, what a courageous woman!”, then I make myself say that out loud. Kind words and kudos can make others grow and glow and blossom and feel good about themselves. It’s such an easy gift to give.