Top Three Hardest Things I’ve Ever Done
When you look back on your life, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done?
Time passing changes our perspective on memories and moments passed. What I once thought was devastating has become a vague blur of a challenging moment. The passing of time and fading memories smooth over the wrinkles of pain that were once so deep I feared they would crack open my skin deep enough to expose my bones.
Memories like that time in Portugal when my sister and I were run off the road while driving mopeds and left for dead. That wasn’t good. Then the moped company wouldn’t give our passports back and the hospital stitched me up without cleaning the wounds. Oh! And our bags were stolen and all we had for luggage was a comb and a diary for weeks. Lots of lessons to be learned there but now looking back on it all it feels more like an adventure than a crisis.
Is that because I was still so young at the time?
Now over 30 years have passed and my traumatic memories don’t smooth over as quickly as they once did.
1. When I reflect back on the last 51 years of my life one of the hardest things I’ve ever done was surviving my health crisis.
There were many times I didn’t think I was coming through the other side. It was when I felt the most alone in my life.
Four years later I still don’t like to think about it. I’m scared that as I grow older one day I will wind up back in a similar situation and won’t be so lucky. Dying alone, in pain, in a hospital hallway surrounded by strangers terrifies me.
2. Dealing with family health issues has been another very difficult thing to do.
As I age and my family members age along with me the realization of what the future holds haunts me. Loss of family members and cancers that keep multiplying weigh heavily on my heart.
Will I be as strong as I need to be? How will I cope? Will those most important to me know how much I love them?
3. Forgiving someone for something I believed was unforgivable.
This was one of the most emotionally draining and mentally damaging wounds to conquer. Moments in life we feel we could never survive rip our world out from under our feet and become the moments that define us.
Coping through difficult situations, understanding that we can’t change how life unfolds but we can change how we react is wisdom acquired only through experience.
You won’t know what you can handle until you are face to face with it.
Overcoming fears and pushing past personal barriers, both physical and mental, no matter how unbelievably difficult, allow us appreciate life in ways we couldn’t comprehend prior to the pain.
Scars on our souls connect us to our innermost selves. They teach us who we are and they make us appreciate what we have.
What is the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?
Linking up with the lovely Patti over at Visible Monday
Thoughtful and personal post, Suzanne – thanks for publishing this. I agree that “hard times” in our 20’s look more like adventures now, as we’ve lived through them and worse. And I agree physical illnesses can bring us to those low, low points – when Sandy had a rough recovery from appendicitis last year, I couldn’t think straight or sleep.
Your #3 is a powerful one. There are a few people I’ve not forgiven (nor have they asked forgiveness). I don’t like to even let my mind go there, so bravo to you for what you accomplished. Stay fabulous, xo
-Patti
http://notdeadyetstyle.com
When you’ve counted on someone else to be there for you it is very hard to see them hurting and relying on you 100%.
This is both meaningful and brave. Thank you,
Thanks Jane. Knowing that you found this meaningful makes the pain of writing it worthwhile.
Oh Suzanne,
I read all of th posts leading to this one, and I am horrified at your experience, impressed with your strength for getting through it, and also amazed at your wit that seemed to never dim in the befuddlement of sleepless night in pan and abject terror,
You have a clear and beautiful gift for writing.- As in getting something published – writing, something written of yours, that is full of pages and is bound by an artfully designed cover.
As well get older maybe we get less nimble, maybe the cumulative weight of our difficult experiences become harder to bear. I Don’t know.
The insensitivity of the doctor is staggering as well. The medical system that has sick people in hallways unattended….. So upsetting at its core, and that you were a victim, even an eloquent one, is sickening.
Thank you for sharing this compelling story. I know you have the strength to deal whatever comes your way. You just do.
My worst moments; yes there are some, but they do not belong here, this is your story . Let’s at least give the story some dignity that way, as you were denied even that in that terrible ordeal.
And you look fabulous and chic, unscarred in this shoot ! Aren’t we women, many of us, like that.
Much love and respect,
Elle
http://www.theellediaries.com/
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this Elle. I was motivated to write what I went through at the time as it was part of my healing process.
I appreciate your comment as I know you also deal with health issues. Not allowing them to define you as a person shows untold strength.
Oh Suzanne, you lovely lovely girl, I think you are so brave and beautiful. Nobody goes through life unscathed but it is our attitude that really defines it all. You have such honesty and humor and a ton of style. It is serving you well, my friend. Big hugs!
It is good to hear from you Connie! You are often in my thoughts. I miss your blog.
Your attitude and humour have always inspired me.
Keep your face turned towards the sunshine my friend.
“Some day we’ll look back at this and laugh” never seems consoling at the time. But often it turns out that way if it’s something that went wrong during the pursuit of a passion. Health is different.
In many ways, it’s easier and harder to deal with trouble as I get older. Things that would have freaked me out a couple of decades ago, no longer phase me. But health, again, is its own special category.
Your writing hits home, whether it’s humour or serious. It’s a gift.
I agree that as I grow older I am better able to put into perspective what counts and what doesn’t.
One of the benefits of aging I suppose!
“Some day we’ll look back at this and laugh” never seems consoling at the time. But often it turns out that way if it’s something that went wrong during the pursuit of a passion. Health is different.
In many ways, it’s easier and harder to deal with trouble as I get older. Things that would have freaked me out a couple of decades ago, no longer phase me. But health, again, is its own special category.
Your writing hits home, whether it’s humour or serious. It’s a gift.
This is such a thoughtful pose, Suzanne. You are very brave. The hardest thing I’ve ever done – I’m taking a deep breath here before taking the plunge – is overcoming an addiction. Even though it’s almost 25 years ago, I’m still not brave enough to talk about it in detail. Suffice to say it has made me stronger and many good things have happened to me since. Your post certainly made me think, so thank you! xxx
I have great respect for people that overcome addictions. That is a daily struggle.
Kudos for seeing beyond the addiction to a better world for yourself and those around you.
Very thought provoking….
Our perspective certainly changes over the years. We always say that when things don’t go as planned, that it’ll be a good story.
But I think life is hard, period. There are the highs that make it worth it, but then the lows make you question everything.
I think the most frustrating thing is when you don’t have as much control as you’d like…like our health. And others.
But we love you!!!
XOXO
Jodie
http://www.jtoucohfstyle.com
I agree that loss of control can be devastating.
How we choose to react to loss of control defines us.
Your writing is remarkable, and I agree with Melanie. It’s a gift. It’s a part of why I love to visit your world. The way that you express yourself through style and the written world is magical.
I agree with you about health and its importance. It’s number one for me and it’s why self care is my priority. Nelson’s death was the most difficult thing that’s happened to me. Interestingly, it has reduced my fear of the future. The worst has happened and everything else pales in comparison.
Thanks for sharing yourself with us Suzanne.
Thanks for sharing this with me Judith.
When “the worst has happened” and you keep moving along through life still able to seek out joy, love and happiness it is heartening.
I am smack dab in the middle of No. 2 on your list. I just placed my 89 yo mom in an independent living center (you’ve met her, she was at our blogger meetup in Vancouver). It was our first road trip together for that event.
Now, my longtime domestic partner has been diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma which has metastized to other organs. I am unsure which stage he is at but he may be beyond chemo treatment.
I hope to remain strong. Funny, as the “weaker” sex, we end up caring for all of the others.
It is one day at a time.
I’m very sad to hear this Tami.
It was delightful meeting your Mom. I hope she takes well to the independent living centre.
As for you and your partner I wish you both strength and love.
Sending positive healing vibes your way.
Hugs and hope to you both.
Brilliant. Wisdom borne of painful experience. I applaud your courage and honesty. The most valuable lesson I’ve learned in life is to face fear and push past it. Your comment on that is insightful.
I echo the others, you are a wonderful writer and I hope this post proved cathartic.
Losing Mum to a particularly horrible cancer and having to witness Dad being sectioned under the Mental Health Act and taken away against his will was incredibly hard and I think I aged 20 years overnight but I survived and in some ways feel like a better person for having gone through it.
xxx
See, you need to be a writer. It not only takes wisdom and courage to tackle this topic but your voice gave it heart and soul. I can relate with your #1 (not with your insanely crazy experience) but with age comes either the wisdom to know this too shall pass or maybe I’ve finally learned a little bit of patience. I would say my worst fear would go hand in hand with #2 when Par was diagnosed with cancer, I can still remember how we drove away from the doctors office and pulled over in a vacant lot and just held each other and cried and then he looked at me and said “WE CAN DO THIS BIG GIRL” and that’s what we do every day.
Sure love you my friend.
I appreciate that you share this with us, you’re very brave!. And I agree about how ‘awful’ things that we lived in our twenties, are now remembered as ‘adventures’, even if we felt that we’d never recover from those disasters. I suspect that our brain tends to fade all the pain. And I also suspect that we’ve lived enough to realize what’s important in our lives and how fragile it is.
I’m afraid that the hardest things are still to come, as my parents are older, health issues are more frequent in our friends and family, and I don’t take my own health for granted anymore. You know, ‘growing old is not for sissies!’. I hope that all of us could go through it with some kind of attitude!
besos
Permit me a second comment, okay? I just read something you wrote on another friend’s blog and, damn… I have to say this.
When I first encountered you online, I suspected you were special in all the right ways. Having now met you in person (several times), I can verify and attest to the truth of that. You are SPECIAL and we, your friends, are very lucky to know you.
Okay…I must know…whose blog was it?
You are too kind Ally. : )
When did that incident in Portugal happen????
About 28 years ago : )
Beautifully written. I cannot express myself better than Melanie has. She put my thoughts into words.
For myself? Not an aweful lot of hard things happened in my life. Struggling with my stepdaughter was probably my biggest challenge. And all is well that ends well.
Health is an entirely different matter and we have so very little to say about this prerequisite for a lovely life.
Greetje
You are right. You only know what it would be like to walk in someone else’s shoes when you get there.
Suzanne, I just got through reading about your spine horrifying health crisis. I had no idea. You described all the events so well, I was practically hyperventilating. What happened to you is one of my biggest fears. I am so sorry you had to experience that.
The hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life is care for my mom when she was in 4th stage colon cancer. She was only 64 when she died a very painful death. No amount of fentanyl patches and morphine could make her comfortable. Seeing someone you love suffer so much and not be able to help them is a living hell. I still have nightmares about it and she passed away 15 years ago.
So I make a serious effort to cherish every day and everyone who is close to me because I’m so acutely aware of how things can go really wrong, really fast.
xo
What a terrible thing to have to go through Theresa.
My Dad was diagnosed with colon cancer 18 months ago but they managed to cut it all out. He is on his third cancer though and I have a fear of going through what you did.
My husband’s brother died of lung cancer when he was only 39. He was gone within a couple of months after being diagnosed.
You are right. Life can change in an instant.
I do think that we don’t know how strong we are until we have to be. That said, the hardest part of getting older is that all my loved ones are getting older too. Losing people, seeing family and friends sick – it sucks for sure. I think getting through the sudden death of my father and getting my mom settled afterward was the hardest thing for me. I couldn’t really grieve because I was taking care of her. I probably still need to deal with that.
I really felt for you when you went through all of that Lana. No doubt it has left some open wounds.
Thanks for sharing this post Suzanne. You always struck me as tough cookie and now I’ve read your stories I can see you really are, but with a heart of gold. You’re a testament to strength winning over adversity. That moped story is pretty horrendous, but it pales compared to the hospital debacle. That say “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” comes to mind with you.
Ill health is the biggest fear for all of us as we age and certainly motivates me to keep as healthy as I can. But there are no guarantees in life and we just have to cope with whatever comes our way. Judith talks about surviving when “the worst happens” and she, like you is an inspiration.
Anna x
Thank you for sharing such personal stories and thoughts, Suzanne. xx