When To Stop Thrifting – The Thrifter’s Malady
A friend of mine suffered a crisis recently when switching her wardrobe over from summer to winter. What should have been a joyful day of rediscovering old pieces quickly turned dark and scary.
She completely unravelled at the sight of all those discarded body wrappers tossed together in a massive heap on the floor. It was overwhelming. Where would she put them all? Why on earth did she have so much?
In hopeless desperation she threw herself onto the offending pile on the floor, thrashing around violently while screaming out every rancid swear word she knew and some new ones that came to her in her agonizing moment of self realization.
A few minutes later she had disappeared, swallowed whole by her clothing addiction.
A day later her partner discovered her, partially hidden by a pair of abstract floral leggings and a large fur trimmed mohair coat. She was disoriented and incoherent when she struggled to stand up, mumbling something about a silk chiffon dress trying to suffocate her into submission. She has since taken solace on Instagram where her addiction is not only rampant, but encouraged and applauded.
Does this sound like you?
“Why do I hate all of my clothes?
When did my closet get so small?
What was I thinking when I bought that?
Who is that manic woman in the mirror?”
It sounds like you are suffering with a severe case of Why, When, What and Who … a very common illness among high functioning
There are remedies that can cure this malady that is squeezing your brain and exhausting your energies. Please note: I don’t recommend you consult your physician prior to starting any of these cures, they would be sure to talk you out of them. They’re just doctors! What do they know?
A family size bag of extra salted ripple chips with double fat sour cream dip washed down with a full bottle of champagne. Do not try to substitute rice cakes and Perrier. I’ve tried this and it only makes matters worse.
Get a large metal bin, go outside, throw all of your clothes into the bin and light them on fire. You may choose to dance around in joy while singing, “I’m a f***ing rock star!” and “Who’s your Momma now?” at this point. Be aware this remedy requires nerves of steel and may lead later to periods of severe remorse, depression and nakedness as you will have no clothes left to wear….literally.
You know what they say, if you want to stop a bad habit you need to replace it with something else. That is where Netflix fits in! Put on your coziest PJs, snuggle up to your pug (or human) pick out an 18 episode, 9 season Netflix series and binge watch until you fall into a coma. When you finally wake up it will feel like a bad dream, like that time you drank a two-six of vodka to celebrate your eighteenth birthday, you will have no memory whatsoever.
I *may* start on remedy #3 tonight…you know….just to try it out for you to make sure it works.
If you don’t hear from me for a month you’ll know that I’m happily coma-ing my way through 9 seasons of The Good Wife in my effort to forget my addiction to compulsive thrifting.
Linking up with the lovely Patti for Visible Monday.
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