This dress looks innocent enough right?
This is what I wore yesterday to the dentist’s office, errands, groceries, you get idea.
I chose it because it is super comfortable and easy to move in.
It was early when I left the house and not too hot outside. By the time I left the dentist it was around 28 C and our humidity was at 100%.
Somewhere in-between getting supplies at Michaels and getting t-shirts for my Etsy store I began to overheat.
“Call an ambulance…I’m about to spontaneously combust!”
Like I was wearing a high powered convention oven.
Soon only some ashes and Clark’s sandals would remain.
I tried mentally to cool myself down.
“It’s all in your head Suzanne. Really it is the middle of winter, -20 and freezing outside. Imagine you are laying on a big block of ice.”
A trickle of sweat rolled down my back and laughed at me.
I tried breathing exercises.
In through the nose, out through the mouth.
My face turned red
I ripped off my belt. Everything from my mid boob to my waist was wet with perspiration.
“Well, I’m like my own sauna, I should be dropping pounds left and right!”
It was a feeble attempt to distract and cheer myself up.
I had a lightbulb moment!
(Thank you Oprah.)
I headed to Costco in a hurry.
I flashed my card at the entrance and navigated past the throngs of exhausted Mom’s and kids screaming,
“Can I have this Mom? Can I? Can I? Moooooom!“
I raced past the hungry crowds of food vultures in line for free samples of whatever crap it was they were peddling that day. Pre-wrapped mini bacon sausages anyone?
There were too many people in my way!
For a brief second I felt an impulse to just rip off my
furnace dress right then and there.
Can you imagine? What would the guys wearing in the hair hats in the meat department think?
Just that thought discouraged any Costco nakedness.
I pushed past the people wandering aimlessly blocking the aisles for no apparent reason (seriously! if you’re not shopping or working…you shouldn’t be in the store). I narrowly missed colliding with two people that weren’t watching where they were going all the while silently screaming in my head,
“Out of my way! Can’t you see I’m gonna DIE?“
I had to get to the back of the store.
An oasis awaited me there.
You know what I’m talking about.
The place where on a normal day, you can see your breath and it is so cold you have to run in and run out just to grab some blueberries and asparagus.
The 40+ women’s sanctuary.
AKA the cold vegetable room.
Once inside I exhaled in relief. My solution was a success. I would live to see the end of the day.
I do not know how people in Florida manage. What is the secret Patti?
Obviously they’re not wearing polyester in summer. That is a death trap for woman over 40. There aren’t always Costco cold rooms to save the day.
I should have known because this dress has tried to kill me once before.
I’m either taking this to dress to consignment or putting a warning sticker on it, “Do NOT Wear unless temperature is 21 C or less.”