Things You Don’t Like To Think About But Still Do
This isn’t yet another style post, this is a kick upside the head with reality.
And reality bites, in case you didn’t see the 1990s movie.
I’m sure everyone has thought about their death at one point or another.
When we are young the thought never crosses our mind but as we age we think about it more often.
As much as many of us would like to avoid it, we’re all journeying to the same destination, some sooner than others.
One of my favourite quotes is, “From the moment we are born we begin to die.” – Janne Teller
Morbid but true. A great reminder that every day is a gift to cherish.
Last week I had a bit of a wake up call.
I fell down the stairs.
I’m not dead. Obvs! But I am shaken up.
I stepped on the central vac hose at the top of the stairs and fell with it still in my arms. This all happened a split second after I’d mindfully told myself to, “Be careful, don’t fall!” Lucky for me the stairs were carpeted. I knocked the air out of myself good, hit my tailbone, arms, wrists and neck but managed to escape without breaking any bones. I feel lucky that I’m only left bruised and sore with some pulled muscles.
After the initial shock wore off my mind began racing imagining how I could have been laying there, possibly with a broken neck for a few days before anyone would have discovered me. My poor pug would have been traumatized. My husband would have eventually contacted the neighbour to come and check on me. The neighbour is a retired paramedic so he would have known how to proceed but just the thought of all of this unnerved me. A good imagination can be a very bad thing.
Living alone as I’ve done for the past two years one thinks about horror stories like these; slipping in the tub, choking on some food or falling down the stairs. In my mind each of those scenarios ends with me dead and my pug eating half of my face away. Remind me to never read Kujo or watch Gerald’s Game again.
All these scenarios involve an accident and dying alone.
That is one of our greatest fears, the thought of dying alone. Somehow, if we have loved ones close by it will lessen our despair of passing into the unknown.
I don’t know if this is true but I do know I’d rather not die alone, given the choice.
Having the opportunity to say goodbye seems important. It’s the last chance to communicate how much we love someone.
I admit that a slow, prolonged death while living in a nursing home surrounded by people I don’t know, unable to care for myself, my humanity slipping from my grasp daily worries me more than dying alone. Although nursing homes are well equipped for the elderly they often seem devoid of empathy. There have been quite a few cases of elder abuse reported in nursing homes. Imagine all the abuse that goes unreported. It’s a sobering thought and one I try not to dwell on for too long.
After my fall I stumbled upon an article about recycling bodies into the earth.
I know it sounds disgusting but really it’s not. I’ve long since thought I wanted to be cremated but after having read how much energy that requires and how wasteful it is I’m on board with the idea of a green burial where I can give back to the earth. I don’t like the idea of a large expensive funeral.
What does my outfit have to do with any of this?
Nothing.
The reality is that although I like clothes they aren’t what is truly important in life.
Life is about spending time with those you love, creating meaningful memories and adding value to the world.
Our consciousness is numbed by the constant barrage of vapid social media fluff so it’s good to throw in a dose of reality once in a while.
It’s also an opportunity to connect, like in the old days of blogging when it wasn’t just one big commercial.
If you are thinking of leaving a comment about my shoes or how cute my dress is do me a favour and dive a little deeper. Let’s keep it real this time.
I leave you with this, “Do not fear death so much but rather the inadequate life.”- Bertolt Brecht
Linking up with the lovely Patti over at Visible Monday.
How scary, Suzanne! I’m so sorry about your fall but so grateful you’re more or less okay. Still, the thought of dying alone is incredibly tragic. Like you, if I have a choice, I’d like a chance to stay goodbye to loved ones one last time, but I don’t want to drag it out such that my impending death becomes white noise in the background of the vibrant lives of those still living. But who knows if I’ll have a choice.
Oh, and your dress is really cute! 😉
Looking forward to seeing you soon!
Hugs,
Sherry
I agree…dragging out death seems awful.
Looking forward to seeing you as well. I can’t figure out what to pack because of the weird Vancouver weather. Whatever I choose I’m sure it’ll be all wrong. That’s okay though because I’m not dead. Ha!
Scary to be alone and hurt!! When I fell and broke my wrist last year Sandy was three feet away and it was still terrifying. I think about death a lot since a bad experience with anesthesia in the hospital created a dark Near Death hallucination. My shrink advised me to create a new NDE for myself with comforting images. That has helped a lot. Let’s dive even deeper in a few days!
Sandy always says our cats will eat our faces off before we get cold. Somehow, I find that extra disturbing!! You dress is fab, there I said it, xox
-Patti
http://notdeadyetstyle.com
Oh that sounds awful Patti. Creating new images in your mind seems is a brilliant way of reframing it in your mind.
I’ve heard cats get hungry before pugs. It may be an old wive’s tale though. ; P. Let’s hope neither of us have to go through that.
Gosh, I’m so glad you’re okay!! That’s incredibly scary and it’s amazing what goes through our minds!
There are tons of jokes I could say, but I’m not sure this is the right time!! I promise I’ll share them when the incident is further from your mind!!
XOXO
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
Ummm…maybe don’t share them Jodie. Ever.
On the topic of death, Angel and I have put “Make a Will” on our to-do list for the very near future because suddenly the fact of Cyrus means we have to think more about being responsible in case of anything and choose a guardian for him. Next up, life insurance?
Oooh…you DO need life insurance : ) We have life insurance but no will. The irony is my husband is a lawyer and yet I still cannot convince him that we need a will. It drives me nuts. He is of the thought that as long as he doesn’t think about something it’ll never happen. And yes…he is over 50 and still believes this.
Sobering stuff. Ageing most definitely amplifies death’s inevitable triumph over our vitality.
I see some measure of “alone” as definitive of death but I also want meaningful connections until I let go.
Please get some remediation on stairwell maneuvering from Melanie. You know she’ll have useful insights. I’m so sorry for the scare and bumps/ bruises you’ve suffered.
That’s such a unique and happy sunflower print dress!!
Ha ha! I will need to get some lessons from Mel when I’m in Vancouver soon. I’d never want to fall on her staircase as it is all in cement.
I agree that meaningful connections are so important to a life well lived.
Oh yes, I also lived alone for some time, meanwhile Mr.A. was working far away, and I’m still alone at home for some days, so obviously I have had these kind of thoughts about myself slipping in the stupid bathtub and dying alone. I usually blame my family for this thought, as I was educated into a tendency to search (and find) all kind of possible catastrophes and overthink about them. And this doesn’t make my mental health any favours.
Glad that you didn’t break any bone and escape from those evil stairs just with some minor damage. And also glad that you’re posting your thoughts on all the situation. That’s fabulous!
And your dress is stunning, so lovely print and shape, you look gorgeous in it, and I love the magnificent color combo and accessories!
besos
It is funny how our families can sometimes pass on annoying traits that don’t serve us well.
It is comforting to learn you also managed okay while your husband lived far away for work.
However much you don’t want to think about death, it often and unexpectedly creeps into your thoughts. I’m prone to overthinking, all those little voices in my head telling me to worry about this and that, and when I’m having one of those episodes, the subject of death seems unavoidable. About two weeks ago, we learned that a friend from whom we rent a cottage each September, had died suddenly. She was a couple of years younger than me, so that really hit home, and I’m still thinking about her every day, and how we said goodbye to her last September without knowing that would be the last time we saw her. Glad to hear you’re ok after your tumble down the stairs. I did exactly the same a week or two ago but like you I only had some bruising, nothing broken. I was shocked more than anything else. The dress you’re wearing is stunning, by the way! xxx
We do wake up to our mortality when someone we know dies. Hopefully it is just a reminder for us to live well and enjoy each moment rather than drag us down about the futility of it all.
I’m not one to normally overthink things but living alone for the past two years while my husband is in Hong Kong has provided a breeding ground for much contemplation, not all of it good.
ouch ouch ouch OUCH! How awful, and so much must have been racing through your mind even as you were falling. Would have scared anyone to pieces. Glad to hear it’s only bruises, although even bruises are quite painful.
I took my first ambulance ride on Sunday, and the pain prior to getting into the ambulance and being given pain and nausea meds was the worst I have ever felt…. wouldn’t have mind dying if it meant the pain would be gone. Turns out it was a kidney stone, something I had not experienced before…. VERY PAINFUL!
So, I get why you have been thinking about death. Totally ‘get it’,
Be careful from now on, as I know you will be. xox
Yikes. That sounds terrible Diane. I do hope you are feeling better now. I can’t imagine how awful that must have been.
Whew. I live in fear of falling down the stairs at work — we work upstairs and the color printer is downstairs. I too had a stair fall in March while on vacation — only two little steps but oh my, the damage! I still have “Buster” the hematoma on my right knee. #thisisgettingold
Get some arnica for the bruises — worked wonders on mine.
I like the concept of the recycling bodies burial. A friend did this with her mom, burying her wrapped in the family tartan. I had been toying with the idea of cremation and getting sprinkled 1/2 in the Atlantic and 1/2 in the Pacific. Ecologically, the recycling thing is better for Mother Earth.
Thanks for a thought provoking post! Beyond the fluff indeed!
I’m sorry to hear you fell Anne! You are right, the older we get the more damage a fall can do. I should have thought of the arnica.
Your idea of getting spread out on two oceans is interesting. You’d be travelling all the time ; P
I’m now keen on the idea of becoming a tree as mentioned below by another reader.
Yes. A TREE! Agree! (Now, what kind? Or maybe a lilac bush).
Very scary! I’m glad you are ok. We have two steep stairways in our house and I make Jim take the laundry up and down. Funny, when I lived by myself I never thought of that but being married makes me worry. When Jim takes too long a nap I go and check to see if he’s still breathing! We had a philosophical discussion the other day after another call from the nursing home about his mother falling again (and cursing and lashing out). They are doubling her medication to keep her calm and I suppose numb to any remaining life. It’s too bad you can’t just put an expiration date on yourself.
I want to be a tree. https://urnabios.com/urn/ I can’t imagine a better thing to be.
Thank you so much for sharing about becoming a tree Michelle. I never heard of this before. I’m actually excited about that idea. I know it may sound weird but like you, I can’t think of anything better to be.
Both my grandparents had similar issues in their nursing homes. My Grandfather especially lashed out and fought. It is very difficult and disturbing to see them deteriorate.
I also agree that it would be good to have an expiration date where we can simply choose. It is so much more humane. Dying with dignity is so rare.
i´m with brecht.
and glad you came out only with bruises! phew!
i lived alone here in the woods with zero neighbors (at least in the winter half) for 6 years (husband came only for the weekends)…… interestingly i had less and lighter (?) accidents as back in the big city. maybe when you´r so alone – i´m not much in social media – you be more by yourself, nothing distracts. hm.
see – you make me thinking.
and i want to avoid ending in a geriatric home – i plan to have a fast dead if my health is getting to worse for living on my own.
and this is a fab dress – love what shoes and bag you selected!
xxxx
I agree that we have less distractions when living alone.
I think I would find it easier if my husband came home every weekend. Seeing him once every few months isn’t great.
I like your non-fashion posts, even with a touch of fashion *grins*
Guess I am confused as you mention a husband but also note you live alone.
As an aside, if you ever have to go to assisted living, finding a good place is key. You might remember my mom, she went into an assisted living center last July and is thriving.
I remember your Mom well Tami. I’m so happy you found a great place for her to live.
My husband has been living in Hong Kong for two years now due to work. We manage to see each other every 3-4 months or so. It’s not ideal and we’re hoping we can find another solution soon.
I’m glad you’re OK, it must have been scary. Yes, life can change (or end) in an instant. Not to be morbid, but another scary scenario would have been ending up paralysed… in my mind that’s a fate scarier than death. But you’re OK, you just got a reminder that life is short, better enjoy it while it lasts. Have fun in Vancouver!
You are 100% right. Coming out incapacitated in some way is terribly scary.
Okay, I admit that when you segued into the outfit part I thought you were going to discuss shrouds. Yes, this is how twisted I am. I am glad you did not.
I like this body recycling idea.
And I used to laugh at that call-alert commercial, “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” – it looked so unprofessional. But now I see their genius. They captured reality. There’s nothing Hollywood about injury when you’re alone.
I’m glad you are okay, at least in terms of alternative outcomes. Scary. No more vacuuming! We shall discuss more soon.
That is one of the first things Robert mentioned…I need the “I’ve fallen button”.
I’m super keen on becoming a tree. I had no idea such a thing existed.
Great post! Thoughts of funeral costs have been on my mind recently since we buried my Big Sis last month. So much so, that I wrote a post about it on my blog “How do you want to Go”. The costs for a funeral these days are thru the roof and many of my loved ones are talking cremation. Yes! Life is to spend quality time with those you love and not be fearful of dying, but we all have some fear of leaving our children and loved ones behind. I try to live a clean life and spend lots with family and friends. BTW, I love the colors of your dress and you wear it so very well. Enjoy every minute. . .
http://www.madamtoomuch.com
You are right that it is hard to get past the fear of leaving those we love behind.
From the opening shot I must admit, I did not think we would be having a discussion about death and green burials . But it’s a relevant topic and I’m glad you brought it up. However I’m very upset to learn about your fall and agree that you are relatively lucky. If I were to fall like that with osteoporosis I can’t. Imagine my outcome.
It must be very difficult to live alone, mostly. Suzanne and I feel for you. I know it gives you lots of time to develop your creativity but I am betting it also puts you in a fearful place. This fall certainly would ignite this fear.
Yikes. Holy moly.
I hope you are close to your neighbors for many reasons.
Before I was diagnosed with my autoimmune disease I had a lot of balance trouble. I thought about getting one of those alerts. My mom also had a similar autoimmune disease and she was often dizzy and she did get the alert.
Maybe you should get a big dinner bell. We used to have one in our house and our neighbors could hear it.
Since both my parents and my brother passed within the last five years, i too have given death a lot of thought. I was very pleased to guide my father into at home hospice care when his cancer spread . Rather than fighting, in a futile way, for another terrible six or eight months in the hospital, he had a wonderful last year in his home filled with loved ones and no pain . One fact that many people don’t know is that hospice patients not only have a better quality of life, but they also live longer.
Now can I please mention your fabulous dress and handbag. I know it seems trite but how could I not comment on it.
Please be very careful at home. Check and check again. Hypervigilance is a good habit . AND
I think it is time to turn over the housekeeping duties to someone else. See there is always a silver lining .
❤️❤️❤️
Elle
https://theellediaries.com/
It is very interesting what you wrote about your father. I had two uncles die of cancer in the past few years. One refused all treatment after he became very incapacitated and the other continued treatment for another year, all the while he suffered immeasurably. It is very hard to know until we are in the situation ourselves as to how we would react. I am glad that your father enjoyed the last of his life.
I am trying to ensure I have my phone with me at all times now, just in case.
Excellent post, buddy. Good has come out of bad, as your unfortunate injury caused you to reflect on a serious topic. And what you came up with is smart. Thanks for both digging deep and then sharing with us. It’s why your blog is one of the best around.
Good one, Brecht.
Ouch! I’m glad you survived your fall. I always knew there was a reason why I don’t own a vacuum cleaner, they’re obviously death traps.
With the number of family deaths I’ve dealt with in the last few years I’d be quite happy for Jon to dig a hole in the garden and chuck me in. Funerals seem such a waste of time and the costs are eye watering. One thing I keep saying I’ll get around to is drawing up a will – unmarried couples in the UK have fewer rights than married ones but I’m damned if I’m going to get hitched to keep the government happy.
Yes, clothes aren’t the be all and end all, although that dress is fabulous but I’m not one for “making memories”. After fifteen years spent coping with my father’s dementia and my grandma’s Alzheimer’s proved to me that memories can be gone in a heartbeat – much better to live in the here and now. xxx
I look at creating memories as life well lived. It is true that in the end like both of my grandparents the memories can be stripped, but until that time they may be all we have.
Hi Suzanne!
First, I am so glad you are ok. That sounds painful! I wont go on ranting about social media, but I am really not a big fan. I don’t like seeing people constantly on their phones, not engaging in the people they are wtih!
Dying alone is something I have thought about, just the thought of being alone is frightening to me. I am much more aware these days and appreciative of the relationships I have, my family etc.
My dad passed unexpectantly 2.5 years ago, and my mom is alone in another state. I worry about her often and am glad at leaST her sister is down the street.
Thanks for sharing, and you made me laugh asking people not to comment on your attire! I love it when I write something on a deeper level and yet there will always be one comment, ” I love your shoes!” hehe.
Take care,
hope you are feeling better
Jess xx
http://www.elegantlydressedandstylish.com
Thanks Jess. I’m feeling much better physically, mentally I’m still recovering : )
Oh yeah…that single comment when the post is super serious about something totally irrelevant like shoes. Honestly, if people can’t be bothered to read what I write I’d rather they just move onto the next blog. Yes, I’ve grown cynical after doing this for so long.
I’m delighted with my readers now though. They came through big time for me on this post.
I’m so glad you weren’t seriously injured by the fall, but that kind of thing can scare the daylights out of you! I’ve been living alone for at least 25 years, so the thought of this kind of thing does occur to me once in a while, but as I have no stairs in my apartment, it’s more along the lines of “if I had a stroke, and didn’t show up for work, how long would it take for someone to come looking for me?”. Dying alone with no chance to say goodbye to loved ones would be very sad, but more so for the people you left behind.
A friend with whom I was very close for over 20 years passed away very suddenly in April, and the family didn’t notify anyone, or post an obituary until almost two weeks after she died. She was only a few years older than I am, so it shook me up quite badly.
How lucky you were to get away with just bruising after that fall. I often have thoughts along the lines of “what if” and it is a worry. One good thing though has to be that this was a great test of your bones – you’ve got great bone density surely! Not that we really ought to be testing them out like this though sweetie!
My husband will be so interested in this tree idea (being a tree surgeon himself) and I love the idea of growing again in a new life – cool!
Anna x
I loved this post. I have always been scared of dying. Mostly because I cannot stand the thought that everything goes on and I won’tbe there anymore. As I grow older I become more in peace with the concept of death. I read the article of the woman who is going to give her husband and herself a green burial. I read the whole article and I am going to see whether that is possible in overcrowded Holland. What an excellent idea.
Thanks Suzanne, and eh… be careful.
Greetje
OMG, that’s scary, your fall. As you know I lost a dear friend a couple of years ago due to a fall of the stairs in her house. Since then I’m extra super careful on every stairs.
Her death first, then my mum’s death and the loss of several other close friends in the past three years has made me think about sickness, health, ageing, care, family and death a lot.
I got my euthanasia wishes ready and known to my GP and spouse. I intended to go to a notary for a will etc, but so far I only wrote stuff down and I have not actually fixed that. Stupid of me. It’s still on my to-do-list.
Seeing how my mum -and now my dad- are/were carried by and cared for by their children and grandchildren made me worry. Not having any children made me scared for when I will be old and become dependent. Who will take care of me then, I wondered…
But well, there’s no point in worrying like that…since there’s no solution. And maybe I’ll die in my sleep without a sickbed, you never know.
I want to be cremated, because the thought of going into the ground or in a coffin freaks me out. Not rational , I know.
Please be careful, dear. Miss you.