So you may or may not know that we have been dealing with an unexpected illness.
The big C.
It has really made me sit up and take notice and think about my life. About what is important and what isn't.
Don't hate me.
But suddenly blogging seemed silly.
Fashion blogging especially.
I couldn't even look at my blog for days. Never mind other blogs.
Why on earth would I be spending precious moments of my life photographing myself in different outfits sometimes with a little bit of whimsical writing on the side describing my thoughts or ideas about fashion?
In the grand scope of things it is
meaningless,
shallow
and let's be totally honest,
self aggrandizing.
Is my "Spring inspired on trend outfit" really going to make a difference in someones life? Is it making a difference in my life?
Sure there is the old saying,
look good,
feel good.
I really used to live by that mantra.
Will I be happy dying knowing that I looked good doing it? Or will I regret having spent so much time shopping? Looking for that perfect outfit.
I decided very quickly that shuffling along like ghosts undignified in open backed hospital gowns, pushing poles of fluid lines dripping from our bodies like alien tentacles we are all equally fashion-less drones marching unwillingly towards death.
I have tried and tried to justify my love of fashion blogging.
But it's time for a reality check.
I'm not making any money,
I am promoting over-consumption and really
I'm not helping anyone or improving the world in any way.
When I finally could stomach looking at my blog again I was surprised to see I'd missed one important tidbit in my analysis of all of the reasons to never blog again.
People.
Connections.
Kindness.
Some of my readers reached through the vast emptiness of the internet and offered words of compassion and comfort.
Maybe I'd been thinking about the whole thing backwards.
Maybe blogging wasn't about me doing something to help someone, making money or getting clients. Maybe it was creating an opportunity for my readers to help me. To show me that it isn't all an online wasteland of porn, consumerism, and trolls. There are real people out there that truly do care. People I've never met and probably never will. People that have their own problems yet take the time to comfort others. People that I never would have connected with had it not been for fashion blogging.
Next week we will have the pathology report back and I imagine that it will either be a great relief or require us to gear up for another battle. Either way I am feeling unprepared and ill qualified.
It is going to take some time to weed through all of my feelings about blogging and how I want to spend the moments of my life. I don't doubt that there will be changes ahead.
I used to think that when you get older you get wiser, but that is just a bunch of BS.
The older you get the more you think about dying and less you think about living.
I need to reverse that thought pattern.
To live now, laugh more and love with abandon.
Those are some goals I know I won't regret.
Hazel says
Suzanne,
Beautiful picture and most suited for this time of reflection. As you are experiencing, these rough spots in life make us reflect and question everything. Hugs beautiful friend ! I admire your ability to be so open and vulnerable in your writing.
Katie says
Loved this post, so well said. Hoping everything goes well for you.
Jeannie@gracefully50 says
I understand your feelings…..been there with my mom.
You guys are in my prayers, I promise. Hugs to you, Suzanne.
Marla says
Suzanne to be honest with you, that is one of the reasons I stopped blogging. My blog was purely about fashion and I got really sick of photographing myself in outfits. When you actually think about it, it’s sort of silly. I do miss the interaction with the people that use to comment on my blog but I couldn’t justify doing it anymore. I have a lot of stress in my life also, mainly health issues with myself and my family. It became exhausting for me.
It’s not that I totally have given up fashion, it’s just that I’ve given up the responsibility of having to do it for a blog. I still enjoy reading other people’s blogs, and yours is one of my favorites. I hope your husband’s path brings you good news. Still thinking about you. ~ Marla
Suzanne says
Thanks for always being there Hazel. You have been my pillar.
“Good friends are the pillars on your porch. Sometimes they hold you up, sometimes they lean on you, and sometimes it’s just enough to know that they are standing by.”
Suzanne says
Thanks so much for the comment Katie. We will know more next week.
Suzanne says
So good to hear from you Marla. Thanks again for your kind words and thoughts. They have really touched me during this difficult time.
I was so very sad to see your blog go. I also remember you saying that you had been sick. It isn’t easy to get out of bed when you’re not feeling well, let alone be taking photos of yourself in outfits when that is literally the last thing on earth you want to be doing. I understand much better now why you felt it was time to stop blogging. Are you finding better balance in your life now that you have stopped?
I’m still trying to figure out what direction my blog will take now. Like you I haven’t given up on fashion or style but I am rethinking my previous obsession with it. I don’t think it is healthy. I need to find a good balance that I can live with.
After the Dr.’s appointment next week I am hopeful that we can develop a better life strategy.
Thanks again for all your kind thoughts. They are truly appreciated.
Heather Lindstrom says
Hello Suzanne,
I found your blog through your comment on Tamera’s blog.
I just read this post and want to send you good thoughts and vibes from up my way. Your words are eloquent in the face of personal trials and your questions are so real. My favorite element of blogging is the authentic moment when it’s not just about another gorgeous photo (I love that too). You shared your life experience here and a stranger from Chico, CA feels moved to send you good wishes for now and the next step of your journey. I know you will find your balance and I know you have lots of support out here in the blogging community.
Take good care,
Heather
http://www.stylemindchic.blogspot.com
Shon says
Hi, I have missed you and just saw your comment on Tamera’s blog!
I won’t just type something to type, as I am not sure what to type regarding this verbatim. I will just let you know, that you have a presence here on the blogs that is sincere and true. I would miss interacting with you on any subject, but I understand health and family are always..FIRST!
I’ll be praying….
Catherine says
Your blog adds light to the day. Hope the news is good and that you continue to share your light in the way that’s best for you. Connection is reason enough and can cause major ripples. Cx
suzanne says
Thanks so much for taking a moment to write me Heather. It is refreshing to find people like you on this vast internet that make the harshness of life a little less difficult to bare. Your kindness is much appreciated.
suzanne says
Thanks Shon. It is good to be missed : )
I’m still trying to figure out a better balance in my life and my online life. After such a positive experience connecting with people such as yourself I am looking at blogging in a totally different light.
I appreciate you taking the time to write and your positive thoughts.
suzanne says
I love your first sentence. That is so kind.
I am learning that through connections ripples are positive energy extending out and touching many lives in different ways.
Thanks so much for taking the time to write such a wonderful positive sentiment.
Kristian says
So many thoughts about all this, some I’m not sure I’ve entirely processed. I do want you to know though, that your blog does make a difference to your readers day. Maybe not a big one. Maybe not curing AIDS or teaching a child to read (though, really you never know), or giving food to a starving man sort of help. But people follow and read because there is something they love in your posts. You brighten a day, give someone something to smile about, something to think about. This kind of an act is good too. Thinking about whether you want to continue blogging, change up your blog or continue on; each choice is a valid one, but do remember you did good with your blog too 🙂
On a more relevant note about the up coming Doctor’s appointment. Truly hoping all goes/went well and know positive thoughts are heading your way via Wyoming.