That’s right.
Two weeks.
I ended up staying another two days in hospital before I was released.
The last two days were substantially less chaotic and dramatic than the first 24 hours. Thank God!
I was given a private room during the last 18 hours I was in the hospital. It had a door and even my own toilet! It felt like I’d been upgraded to the best suite The Ritz has to offer.
Thanks to a little blue pill called Imovane I managed to have a good sleep that last night filled with wonderful vivid dreams. There were fluffy pug puppies, skiing on the grass in the summer and huge white tame owls to be petted. I was even in a Off Broadway dance show at one point. I wanted to stay in those delightful dreams forever.
I’ve been home for almost a week now trying my best to recover.
I’d like to tell you that I’m doing better, I’m healing well…
but I don’t feel that way.
For eleven days now I’ve had a new bag. But I won’t be posting any photos of myself modeling it with some funky boyfriend jeans and a trendy peplum top.
It’s a bag of urine strapped to my leg. It is with me day and night. It requires maintenance. I am constantly taking care of my tubes and bags. It is a nightmare.
It makes me sick.
Physically sick.
For the past few days my lower stomach has started to cause me pain again. Yesterday it was severe. My stomach is a blue/red colour. It’s been that way since the surgery.
I can’t sit for more than 20 minutes at a time. I’m not eating because it hurts my stomach more.
I’m not taking any pain killers because I’m scared how they affect other parts of my body.
I haven’t left the house since I came home from the hospital other than a few short walks with my dog. The bag can’t be trusted. I had to walk home a few days back holding it up with my one hand the whole way. I haven’t gone outside since then.
Since I started getting new pains again I can feel my optimism slipping away. I don’t want to end up back where I was.
The fear has climbed up through my body, threatening to spill out of my mouth should I open it.
More than anything I want this to be over.
….update
I saw my urologist late this afternoon.
After much debate my bag and catheter are gone. Hallelujah! Raise the roof!
I may have an infection where my pain is coming from. I have been given new meds to see if that helps.
I will have an ultra sound hopefully next week to make sure nothing else in my lower abdomen looks infected.
I have been scheduled for a scope or cystoscopy. Not looking forward to this.
They insert a camera into my bladder, fill the bladder with liquid and then see if it has properly healed. This is the only way other than another CT scan to see if I am still leaking. CT scans are like having 40 x-rays, scopes are less damaging to the body.
Removing the catheter today despite my pain, swelling and redness is a bit risky, but I really wanted it gone. If it turns out I am still leaking from my bladder or my infection gets worse I will have to go back to the ER for treatment and then have bladder surgery. This time I have been told to go to a different hosptial that hopefully doesn’t have the same issues as the last one. Please, please body heal! I don’t want to go back to the ER!
I should know if I still have a hole in my bladder in the next 48-56 hours or so. Thinking positive thoughts!
I am beyond happy to no longer have that bag of piss attatched to me. You can’t imagine how great it is not to have to deal with that.
The irony is that catheter is the one thing I felt personally I could never tolerate and I had it for eleven full days. I guess when you don’t have a choice you are simply forced to do what you thought you never could.
I have my fingers crossed that my bladder has healed and this other infection pain is just a blip on the radar.
I want so badly to be normal again. Just the fact that I can sit again to pee is frankly delightful. We take for granted everything that our bodies do for us daily.
Being able to
walk
talk
see
breathe
smell
feel
think
dream
sleep
eat
pee
these are all gifts that you won’t miss until they are gone.
Once any one of those is gone you will wonder every minute why you wasted so much time and energy worrying about your
wrinkles
age
weight
saggy chin
etc.
I know it may sound corney but believe me…
Love your body.
Be grateful.
Cherish yourself.
I am hoping with all my heart that next week back I will be back to writing about something other than my health. Fingers crossed….
I will tell you one little funny story that I left out…I think this is brilliant because it truly shows the difference between how a man thinks and how a woman thinks.
When Robert had his surgery for his kidney tumour his stomach was very big and swollen. That is normal. I was shocked to see just how much, but it is a major surgery and that is just your body’s natural reaction. I understood that this would eventually pass and mostly just a large scar would remain.
When I was in the middle of my trauma, 24 hours after the surgery, we were in the bathroom trying to deal with the blood and liquid leaking out of me. It was the first time that Robert had seen my stomach after the surgery. He didn’t say anything at the time, I was in such pain and it was such a nightmarish situation, really just a blur trying to figure out how to stop the leaking and deal with my pain and nausea. Later though he told me that he was shocked upon seeing my very swollen pointed stomach and had silently thought, “I knew that she said she had gained some weight…but man…that is crazy! Those dresses she wears hide it so well. Underneath she looks like Santa!”
That still makes me chuckle : )
Thanks to everyone for your encouragment and support. I can tell you in all honesty that I read and reread your comments. It helped knowing that there were caring people “out there” rooting for me and I wasn’t just writing to the big black void known as the internet. I appreciate the fact that you took the time to write. You made a difference to me and gave me strength. Thank you.
So glad to hear the last part of your stay was less traumatic and am so happy for you that they decided to remove the bag. Still thinking about you and I hope today is a good day for you! You are so brave.
Pug puppies…what a yummy dream! Any puppies really, being the dog freak that I am. I’m so glad you’re home and the cath is gone. Hopefully everything heals properly so you don’t have to go through even more shit. I think being home will help the healing process immensely, I really do. You’re in your comfort zone with you husband and your pug…what else do you need? And I agree, we don’t realize how ridiculous some of our worries and complaints are until we lose our health. Without that none of the rest matters.
xo,
Debbie
http://www.fashionfairydust.blogspot.com
Suzanne I’m going to be praying and believing that your bladder is HEALED and the pain is just a minor infection that will go away with some antibiotics!!
Love your hubby’s thought-LOLOLOLOL
I react the same way to pain meds ( I HATE them) Weird vivid dreams involving pink gorillas chasing me with candy canes and other freaky crap like that!
Wrapping you up in positive intention Suzanne!!! Heal! Write your mantra down, read it, say it, visual yourself surrounding in white healing light, see your bladder with completely healthy tissue, Believe IT!
Sue xoxo
Hurray that you are so much closer now to being better! It’s so true that health–and simply being able to accomplish all basic functions of life is a blessing that should never, ever be taken for granted. I’m praying for a speedy recovery for you!
Oh my I just read this whole story and I am praying for your recovery. I read in disbelief what you went through. I just want you to know I am praying for you.
BTW-you are a gifted writer. I hadn’t been on Bloglovin for a while so reading this all the way through was a page turner and a heart-breaker, knowing what you went through.
I hope so much that you will feel better soon and return to normal life.
I think of you and send you my good thoughts.
I was so hoping for a positive update. I’m amazed at your attitude, that you can literally take time to post these updates and do them with humor added in. You’re quite a strong person. I think of you daily and sending you all my positive and upbeat vibes.
Much love,
Trina
This is my first time reading your blog. Sorry to hear what you are going through after surgery. I am 54 (since August 16th) and I have never had any surgeries, thank God and I hope it stays that way. However, I just had my second colonoscopy on August 7th and everything came out fine. So thank you for saying to cherish yourself and love yourself more when you are healthy and alive to enjoy all those things we take for granted. You are right! I try hard to do that everyday and not waste a minute because I have been so blessed with good health since childhood. I have linked you so I will be thinking happy and positive thoughts for you and pray your recovery will get easier as the days fly by! Take care. Lamar Mendiola from Houston, TX.
Life without a bag is so much better : )
So true that dream was the BEST. I think I need a new pug puppy now : )
LOL on the dream. It is so funny that you can remember it so well.
I didn’t sleep at all when on the narcotics…too nauseous. That Imovane though was just what my body needed.
Yep…men!
So true. I’m trying to do this just before bed and when I wake up.
Thanks Rachel : )
Thanks so much for taking the time to write Charlotte.
I really wanted to make sure that I never forget how precious my health is.
Sharing it via my blog with other people I hope that I can pass along the lesson that I learned.
Thanks so much. My goal is “normal”. : )
Thanks for the love Trina : )
In some ways writing this was cathartic for me.
Also while I’m home trying to heal I can’t do much of anything. Moving around is difficult and painful.
Sitting at the computer writing is a way for me to “get out of the house” without actually leaving it.
Thank you for taking the time to write Lamar and for your kind thoughts.
I am so happy to hear that your tests came back negative. Colonoscopies are NOT fun.
Our health is a gift that we need to be aware of every day. This was a huge wake up call for me that I don’t ever want to forget.
So glad to hear you’re home and that things are looking brighter. I’m sending lots of positive thoughts for you and your bladder! You know, after I had my laparotomy, I found a catheter to be such a relief – never having a full bladder and never having to get up (for 24 hours).
It’s good you can feel some humor now, too. Just try not to stress out anymore and let yourself heal. Remember the Kobayashi Method of meditation!
No bag? YAY!!! Although you may have wanted a photo with boyfriend jeans. I laughed at your husband’s Santa comment. And that you put the Coneheads on your previous post. Bwa-ha-ha.
So, I’m thinking you are well on the road to recovery – I hope with my heart this is true. These last procedures are just cleaning up after the Big Party, guh. You definitely need some SERIOUS pampering. Mega positive vibes your way!! Hang in there.
Sending you some positive vibes and a big hug Suzanne. So glad that there are some improvements and that you and your hubby is already laughing at some the experience.
Alice
http://www.happinessatmidlife.com
Heeey, Suzanne. I’ve been reading your blog regularly. Friday editions are my favourite ;). You are such a funny and upbeat lady and always make me giggle when I read your posts. These hospital posts made me cry though. And giggle. Good thing you are writing about your ordeal. To remind us all what is really important. Sending you good vibes and get well as soon as possible wishes!
Wow it is funny how different people can be. That catheter was the bane of my existence while I had it in. I think it would have been tolerable for a day or 2, but 11 days is still 11 days too long for me. I’m still trying to heal from the soreness it left in me. I feel like my bladder was in a boxing match and went down in round 5.
Thanks for the positive thoughts : ) Good energy can still travel via the internet.
Thanks for the good vibes Melanie : ) and reading your posts always puts a smile on my face.
Thanks for the hug Alice : ) I’m hopeful that next week maybe I will actually change out of my PJs.
Thanks so much for taking the time to write in Helena.
I know that these posts have been about as far away as you can get from what I’m normally posting about but life is life and it doesn’t always go as you’ve planned. This year I’ve been learning that the hard way, first with my husband’s kidney tumour and then with my surgery.
I want to be honest with my posts so I’m glad that they touched you and that you were still able to laugh a bit. Hopefully in the next week or so I can get back to some lighter topics : )
Thanks for the good vibes. That is my favourite thing about blogging…people touching other people and making a difference.
Suzanne I came over to have a catch up on your blog and I am speechless at the hell you have been through. I can see too how writing about it in the stark and honest way you have must have been cathartic for you. I hope that you are well and truly on the mend now and yes, health challenges like this put minor problems like our appearance as we age into stark context. Big hugs and lots of healing thoughts your way xxx
Thought I’d swing by and see how you are doing? My what a difficult time, I really feel for you. Sounds like thinks are getting a little better? Hang in there, you sound like one tough lady that will prevail and has many things to do with your life and talent. Hoping for better days in the future soon!
blue hue wonderland
Suzanne, your dreams are so awesome! I used to have super vivid dreams a decade ago, but I almost never dream anymore. Your dream could be a children’s book. I remember the times when I had a catheter. The feeling of glass, that is what it is like. So beyond uncomfortable it’s hard to describe, I totally get it when you wanted it out. I could feel your painful catheter as I was reading this. I am praying that bladder heals and I’m sending you strength through this comment. The blogging world is powerful because we create with our words and put so much energy and emotion in the whole process of visiting blogs, reading and commenting. I am honored to be able to come here and offer support. Love to you. xoxoxo
I’m so happy to hear that your foley is out! I know it can be so uncomfortable and I can’t imagine how you had been feeling. I happen to assist on cystoscopy surgeries all the time. It’s a very safe procedure and I just want you to know that I have never seen a complication. I’m praying for you and truly hoping for the best. I hope you have a speedy recovery so you can go back to showing off those boyfriend jeans and peplum tops 🙂
xo
Ashley
Southern (California) Belle
Hi Suzanne-Finally some good news! Getting rid of that nasty bag must be so freeing (for peeing ;). You are so right-why worry about any of the superficial body stuff when we are truly healthy. An experience like yours only reminds us what true health means. Our bodies are amazing-and they do have healing powers.
I’m hoping and praying that your bladder heals and this will all be a bad memory. Your dreams sounded crazy fun-one bonus. I dreamed that Howard Stern was giving me a foot rub and talking about brain resilience in my dream last night and I wasn’t even on pain killers ;).
Hugs to you, xx-Heather
Get well soon Suzanne….I’m really praying for your swift & painless recovery!!
Rebecca
http://www.redtagchiclosangeles.com
Rooting for you 100%. This is just ridiculously terrible and I’m glad that you are at least out of the ER for now and sans bag! I hope your next update is good news!!!!
Thanks for the kind thoughts Veshoevius : )
Thanks for checking in on me Ann : )
I feel like today maybe I turned a corner and maybe…just maybe I can actually get better. I’m very hopeful.
Your description of a catheter is DEAD ON. I feel like it left scars inside me.
Thanks so much for your kind words of support. It really has helped me get through some dark patches.
Thanks Ashley : ) I hope you are right about the cystoscopy. The series of bad events have made me sceptical of the whole system.
As a nurse you must have seen it all. I can’t imagine.
LOL that dreams is hilarious!!! I need to eat or drink what you were before bed…except switch out Howard Stern for Michael Fassbender ; P and switch the conversation to what Michael will be making me the morning after for breakfast. {sigh}
Thanks Rebecca…so far it has been as about as far from painless as you can get…but I am starting to see some signs of improvement.
Thanks Jamie. This has been the worst days of my life for sure but I am starting to feel a little bit more like myself every day. It is taking much longer than I anticipated, but any progress gives me hope.