The blogging world is big.
It takes many different kinds of people with many different opinions.
I understand that lots of people won't agree with mine.
Especially if I refer to something controversial.
If you are willing to "go there" then I think you basically putting yourself out there for some criticism.
That is why you won't see me writing about politics (yawn… too boring anyhow) or subjects closer to my heart (right to choose, hunting, gun control, gay rights, etc).
I know that not everyone will agree with me and I don't want to deal with the fallout.
If however, you are a blogger that decides to put it out there that your daughter is excited about shooting her first deer maybe you should be prepared that some other people will not view this as a good thing and may respond by writing the comment,
"I am so saddened to hear that shooting a deer is a right of passage in today's world. Hugely disappointing. Just the thought of it makes my heart heavy."
Seriously I still cry when I see Bambi.
You might not want to respond like this,
"Our family eats every bit of meat. We don't shoot any animal for the sake of shooting it. It saves us money & is much healthier to eat meat that isn't fed hormones and God knows what else. If you are a vegetarian, then I understand your comment, but if you eat any sort of meat then you jaded by how horrible animals are treated and killed in slaughter houses. If it weren't for hunters, the deer population would suffer because there would be too many and would die a slow death of hunger. I ask that you get educated before commenting rude things on my site. I strive to keep things positive and don't judge others in blog comments. It's disrespectful to judge me or anyone else without knowing the facts. Thank you. "
Yes I am a vegetarian.
Yes I have an opinion.
No I wasn't being rude.
Yes I said it made me unhappy.
It still does.
Not everyone is going to like your opinion.
Not everyone is going to like mine.
But people still have them.
I don't feel bad about the comment I made.
And I don't feel bad that I went out of my way to make the comment.
I feel sad for the animals.
That can't be a bad thing.
Overall I find this blogger to be warm and sweet. An easy-going blog.
I will never agree with her on this subject.
I might add that she sent me another email apologizing for being defensive and not respecting my opinion more but she still felt that I was unfairly judging her, her family and her beliefs.
What do you do when a blogger mentions a subject close to your heart that you strongly disagree with?
Do you do what she suggested to me and simply move on without commenting?
Or as she also suggested, simply make a comment that will make them feel better regardless of the fact?
This isn't just about OMG Fashun.
Is there anything real anymore?
Or so we simply go through life trying to placate each other?
“Is there anything real anymore?
Or so we simply go through life trying to placate each other?”
This in itself is such an interesting take away from the entire exchange. It makes me think.
I think, no, you were not rude and yes, her initial response was defensive (I don’t know about her other email although it does speak well that she did apologize no matter if not super-gracefully). Without reading the post that started it all, it is hard to tell much more from there, and even then we can never really know what others were thinking. If she thought it an off-handed comment, perhaps your reaction took her by surprise?
Personally, I come from a culture where hunting (and therefore both guns and taxidermy and taxidermy inspired decor) is a norm, though I do not hunt myself. And many families I know do use that meat to keep themselves fed. I quite frequently see both sides of this debate turned over and examined.
So, to me, the larger idea of whether we can have deeper thoughts and real conversation online is the part that intrigues me more. Part of me is saddened by the idea that many times we cannot, yet I also think of those places where such conversations do exist. Comment threads on any news piece (or even Youtube video) seem to so quickly turn quite hateful and yet there are so many opinions aired there. I think that is why-especially on people’s personal blogs where it is essentially their lives on view- that we see people get so defensive and/or shut down such conversations so quickly. I can understand that reaction- some people can write really awful things without having to “listen” to the other side of the debate so easily that it can be hard. But at the same time- posting anything for public consumption means you can expect that the public will make of it what they may.
I think we can have real conversation on blogs, but that it definitely takes a blogger and/or webpage moderator who is very confident and- most usually anyway- knows ahead of time what they are getting into. Knowing the topic is a hot one. But then, that might not be so very different from real life, where a lot of people spout off about their opinions without listening to the other side or having an intention of something being a debate/having more than one view point. But their are just as many people who really want to listen as well as share a conversation too.
Still, I am sorry to hear there was an exchange that at any point felt hurtful or where a comment was brushed aside.
I’m a vegetarian too and totally agree with your comment! I don’t expect people to all have my same opinion either and I don’t post about controversial things either. I feel like she jumped to the conclusion that you were judging her which is sad. I usually just don’t comment if I strongly disagree with a person but I’m a very passive non-confrontational person. I think it’s fine to state your opinion if it differs.
Jessi
http://haircutandgeneralattitude.blogspot.com
I can relate to your feelings about this, Suzanne. I too am a vegetarian, but that wasn’t even the main point of your comment. I think it was about a “rite of passage” (whether male or female) revolving around killing, even if you plan to eat it.
The larger issue hits home too: whether we “should” write about our deeply held beliefs on our fashion/style blogs. I wrote about Pat Robertson once and received several (respectful) comments defending him. That’s all good with me. But I don’t handle hostility well. It’s a difficult line to maintain!
I find you unfailingly polite and I sense some strong opinions there too. Hooray for those. Let’s have coffee : >
I tend to not comment when I disagree with a post…because I know for the most part, my opinions are very unfashionable, and I’m cynical enough to think that no one’s going to change their mind based on a blog post comment. I am more likely to stand up for what I believe in in person, I feel….but there’s something about the internet which just makes me think it doesn’t tend to be the best place for rational debate. Also…as a non-vegetarian from a hunting family…I don’t personally think that your comment is offensive or excessively judgmental.
Suzanne… the more I read your blog… the more I LOVE it! I enjoy your opinions and questioning of the status quo of fashion blogging. I myself see my blog as an online journal of my transitioning life… and personal quest for style in all aspects of my life…. so of course… I am going to have opinions … on my life. I find pictures of clothes… without any life reference tiring… I might as well pick up a glossy. That is why I enjoy blogs like your own… where there is personality and heart behind the pictures.
As far as commenting in negative terms… I can’t. Only because I am such an obsessive…. I get drawn in waaaaay too far…. get waaaay to upset…. and end up regretting it later. So I have taught myself to keep my mouth shut… and should there really be such thought given to lipgloss? Just think how much I could get out of hand with a ‘real topic’ :))
Thank you for another thought provoking post… I do love reading your opinions and thoughts!
I am so pleased you took the time to write such thoughtful personal insight. Especially when you come from a hunting culture and you don’t feel like I have personally attacked you.
I couldn’t agree with you more that I find the internet grossly lacking in expressing one’s self. We are always worried that what we write won’t come across as intended, or won’t be understood without the cadence of our voice or our gestures to properly emphasize the point we are trying to make.
Conversing with someone, connecting with someone is the joy that blogging provides.
Being truthful ( yet polite ) in my posts and in my comments is really the only thing I have to offer.
I almost didn’t hit the publish button on this post.
Now I am grateful for the opportunity this has provided me to learn more about you, your thoughts and the possibilities of having a real conversation online.
I forgot you were vegetarian too : )
Thanks for jumping in here Patti. Another vegetarian!
But you are correct in stating that wasn’t my point.
I appreciate a strong opinion. I love sharing thoughts and insights because you never know when someone is going to teach you something that will enrich your life or change the way you think. That is the beauty of connecting with other people.
It is a very fine line for sure.
And hey…if I ever get down Florida way I’ll be taking you up on that coffee : )
That is so interesting that you don’t find the internet a good opportunity to discuss your opinions because when I read your blog I find many of your posts touching because you do step out of the norm.
You are a real person with quirks, likes and dislikes. You don’t like everything because everyone else told you to.
Without your unique opinions you would just another 20 something posting photos of herself online and writing about the latest club she went to.
I appreciate that.
I’m so happy you took the time to comment Tamera.
I think that what is unique about your blog is that you are painfully personal without giving the details. We get a glimpse of your soul through the photos and the prose without the knowing the details, leaving us to interpret the images and writing into our own lives.
It is a powerful way to communicate without over sharing and always leaves me thinking and often dreaming a bit.
I pursue blogs that make me reflect on life. There is so much more than lipgloss and fashion.
Although I love it and I have fun with it, it isn’t the reason I get out of bed in the morning.
I honestly don’t put too much of myself out there on my blog. Not because I’m fearful of the fallout or that I really care much about someone being angry with me for my opinion. It’s more because I’m a super private person in real life and that translates into my blog. I don’t share my personal stuff with many people face to face so I guess I hold back on my blog as well. I know, how super private am I when I put my blog out there for the world to see? But the pictures are just that, pictures, along with some occasionally amusing commentary. I have some very strong and very deeply held beliefs that will probably over time seep into some of my blog writing. I already briefly mentioned my hope that one day my son can marry his boyfriend when I sported my “love is love” tee on the blog. I fully expected some backlash, but there was none. Had there been, I would have dealt with it accordingly. I do find myself holding back on things when I’m writing my posts sometimes, but like I said I think as I trust myself more as a blogger, I’ll be doing that less and less.
Great post…you made me think…
Debbie 🙂
http://www.fashionfairydust.blogspot.com
What a great and provocative post. I think honest commenting is hard to come by, and I know for myself that it feels more like a pick your battles kind of thing. There is so much negativity and hatefulness in the world and sometimes you just have to let things go. I read blogs for a bit of fun and inspiration, not to get into fights with fellow bloggers. If I want heavy opinions on Big Issues I will go the op-ed section of my favorite newspapers.
Suzanne – all I can say is that I am so glad I have discovered your blog! Again you have picked a topic that I find interesting. I am generally a very happy go lucky person so I even if I disagree with something, I tend to not speak my opinion.
With my blog, I tend to keep it extremely light hearted because I don’t think I am ready to be attacked. I do love to hear varied opinions but I don’t think all people that respond as well as you do. Keep up the good work Suzanne!
I’m vegetarian, too.
In real life I’m quite outspoken but on-line I tend to shy away from confrontation unless I feel I really need to.
If I read something on a blog I don’t like on a blog I tend to ignore it for fear as coming across as a bit stroppy but like you, I think I’d have been tempted to say something about that blogger’s words. Shooting an animal as a right of passage just makes me shudder and I think your point was articulate and thoughtful, her response was most out of order and very ranty. xxx
I’m conflict avoidant, both in real life and on my blog. It’s probably not a good thing because I’ve shoved my opinions down way too far, way too many times. Like other posters, I’m afraid of backlash. But it comes anyway. On the other hand, I completely admire people like you who aren’t afraid to say how you feel.
By the way, I grew up in a hunting family and I eat meat. However, not one of my children could bring themselves to kill an animal, and I wouldn’t want them to. I love that about them.
Oh well well well….blogging about the real deal is really not an easy task Suzanne (I’m so with you on that). But there is really no right or wrong answers in the blogging world…..it’s more of a personal thing.
Rebecca
http://www.redtagchiclosangeles.com
Suzanne, I love your blog. I have been expressing my opinions heavily online since 1998. Indeed, anytime I opened the door, the people came in and YES, if you speak of anything controversial, you need to be ready for it and have answers to all the objections before you click submit on that post! When speaking of touchy subjects, a blogger needs to be prepared, literally with gun in hand ready to fire back. As much as we like to tell ourselves blogging is about love, blogging can be like WAR sometimes. You have to be strategic sometimes and know this one important rule: NO ONE WILL EVER AGREE WITH YOU 100%, but they can be still be nice! It is the TONE of the response that caused the confrontation. Proper tone is everything and it is so subtle and an art form really. Bloggers who want to express themselves freely need to master the tone of the post itself and respond with that same non-defensive and understanding tone in the comment responses. There is no other way; we have to play nice and really read what we say and see if there is any cattiness or disrespectful tone and edit it out. I have dealt with much hate and anger from people over the years because I have been writing a newsletter since that time expressing myself. There are over 18,000 on this list and they do not all agree with me. But I kept opening my mouth because I totally understand where they are coming from and have been there, done that and I now have a different perspective. My changes have developed from the choice to have an open mind and not being stuck in my dogmatic beliefs. In the past I have pushed many different ideas and concepts because I felt so passionate about them. Passion is fiery and difficult to contain and with a pen in hand it is sometimes impossible to write to please the masses. I could never do it long term. I know that is why I don’t have a lot of followers but I have to be true to myself. I see things through a different lens and many times what I talk about is uncomfortable and sometimes I even feel at unease with what I am saying. But then I think about death. I think about what if I was gone tomorrow and I never said that one important thing I wanted to say? The thing that was understood through experience and sometimes a lot of suffering, if I knew it was valuable to humanity, how could I not share that with the world? Our words last forever and I know what I put out in the world with my blog or newsletter has the potential to change the way a person views his current beliefs. I am all about growth and understanding and feel I have been put on earth to be a mouthpiece of truth. Regardless if people agree with me or not, I stand my what I know but at the same time, I also know that in reality, I know nothing. This leaves me wide open to more truth and understanding. xo
Hey Suzanne, I’ve just returned from a mini holiday in the Okanagan {contented grin} and am catching up on my reading. I find the above comments to be as thought provoking as your post. For me, if a subject is disagreeable I don’t comment. That may not come as a surprise. Like Alison, I am conflict avoidant. If I read a post,and let’s use your example of the one you read because I have the same opinions about it as yourself, I would not comment, but would silently cheer on those that made comments such as yours. I’ve even gone so far as to email the commentor with words of support. The exception may be if the blogger has invited discussion on the matter. One of the challenges with expressing oneself in print is that it can be so difficult to convey our emotions with mere words. I believe that my emotions on this subject are the same as yours, and when I read your comment I’m already on the same emotional plane, and I resonate with what you are saying. The blogger, however, has a radically different emotion on the subject, and she was unable to interpret your emotion as anything but hostile. Not having read the actual post, but it does seem that the blogger does not recognize that hunting is a topic that generates strong emotional feelings. Unfortunately, for someone like myself, it would be reason enough to discontinue reading her blog. I understand that we all have unique belief systems, and for the most part, I enjoy being educated and informed by intelligent and sensitive writers. But, if someone’s beliefs are discordant with my own, and there appears to be little understanding that others may not feel the way they do…well, I just choose not to read.
Oh, thank you, your response means a lot to me, because that is exactly the way I hope I’m seen! I do feel very at home on my own blog, and comfortable with sharing about my not-too-typical lifestyle and opinions…but when I’m on other people’s blogs I just tend to stay away from a controversy that they seem interested in starting or any debate in the comment section. I feel that internet debates, without the face to face personal interaction that comes from a debate with my husband or sister, etc….they appear to be generally unproductive and are more likely to end up with hurt feelings because it’s harder to express differing opinions in love with typed words than it is through spoken word–at least that’s what I’ve found!
So glad you commented Sue.
I find it to interesting to learn that the majority of people wouldn’t comment.
Commenting with words of support or as she wrote me, “to make her feel better” was to me, quite insane. I could have commented on her outfit I suppose but after reading that introduction I felt like the fashion bit was so trivial and silly.
I agree that it is difficult to communicate fully what we mean with mere words in print online.
I didn’t want to post her actual blog link or her actual post because I didn’t want this to escalate. Ending it by saying that we agree to disagree is fine with me.
It might take me while again though before I will comment on her blog.
I agree that tone is impossible to convey online.
I am with you on thinking about death and making a difference. That is why it bothers me that we can’t be a bit more honest online. Not “mean” honest, but just open honest.
As a kid or teenager I think we all thought we “knew it all”. Then we grew up and realized we know nothing. There is very little that is more enlightening than that.
BTW…men can sometimes lag behind in this respect. LOL I’m still waiting for my husband to realize this!
I’m grateful that you wrote Alison. Especially since you come from a hunting family.
This is so interesting to me.
If I’ve understood correctly it is the format of blogging, that is the exception.
I did see that post of yours and I remember thinking that it was brave of you to put yourself out there a bit. Not so much here in Canada, but definately in the States that is a very hot topic.
The funny thing is that I think it made me like you and your blog more.
So true.
Great post Suzanne.
I’ve learned to keep controversial topics and opinions off my blog for the most part. And I don’t respond to any others put out on their blogs.
My dad always said opinions are like arseholes-everyone has them. And it doesn’t mean mine ar any better than yours. I try to respect others’s values/opinions even if I don’t agree with them.
What an interesting post and comments!
One important observation that is made here several times, is that written feedback ( without facial expressions, tone of voice, etc) always hold a bigger risk of misunderstanding, then a face-to-face communication. I think most of us acknowledge that.
That other topic ( are we supposed to only post positive, affirming, sweet, etc comments?) is interesting. On a fashion forum, where women can post their outfits, one lady commented on another lady’s outfit of that day with : “sorry dear, what you are wearing today is not my taste. “. Mind you, that she gave positive feedback to the other lady for weeks and months before that. Result was that the lady who posted her outfit went bazurk! Calling the commentor a passive-agressive bitch (not in these words, but still) and stating that the norm is to give eachother compliments. And if you don’t like an outfit, you refrain from commenting.
I dont agree, but fashion is a topic that for me is not worth a confrontation.
On serious matters, I would like to be able and allowed to give my respectful, but honest opinion.
Great post, Suzanne!
We are in total agreement on this one : )