Suzanne Carillo

First off thank you for all your kind thoughts and comments. Please accept a big hug from my heart!

It is good to be missed and know that I am not just writing to a large anonymous void here in the blogosphere.

It has been a bit of a struggle this past week since my ER visit. I will admit that I have been depressed about the whole thing. Although I have had fibromyalgia for many years and a very bad back since my early 20's I have always been able to bounce back and not really feel like I've lost total control of my body.

This time it has been different.

This is the first time I've ever cancelled a trip due to illness. The Dr. I saw this week told me not to plan any trips.

I've taken planes before with 3 hot packs strapped to my back and a fist full of pain meds. I've spent hours on the floor in my hotel room trying to ease the pressure on my herniated disc. I've even "shuffled" with Robert's help to my favourite hiking spot on the BC coast while my back was in full muscle spasm.

In the past I refused to let my back or my fibromyalgia ever stop me from travelling.

In case you didn't notice already I can be kind of stubborn.

I'm trying to remain upbeat about not needing to cancel the other 2 trips we had planned this summer. One was to Alberta for a large family reunion in a few weeks and the other was to NYC. We have tried to reschedule our France trip for Sept.

I do have an appointment with a specialist next week and hope that I will have a plan of action and better idea as to the diagnosis, prognosis and any possible surgeries.

In the meantime I am trying to get back to a more "normal" life. My girlfriend and I even got together and ran yesterday which really did make me feel a bit better. Thanks Hazel!

I am very thankful for the support network of family and friends that I have. I really do appreciate you.

I don't know how on earth to segway this into an outfit post, but that's what it is, since I'm trying to get back to some of my normal activities now.

I bought this dress at a consignment store. It is the brand Maeve, often sold through Anthropologie. I seem to have a homing device on me that will locate any Anthropologie brands in any consignment store I go into.

I had the belt already, it was bought from H&M years ago.

Oh yes it has pockets! : ) I don't know why I am obsessed with them but I am. Often times I won't buy a dress because it is lacking pockets.

Here is to more "back-to-normal" fun and fashion and less of the sicky sick.

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I've been a little MIA lately.

At first it was because I was buried in work and stuff I needed to get done before our vacation to France on Friday.

Then it was something entirely different.

This was the arm candy collection I wore yesterday on my birthday.

I spent 14 hours in the hospital emergency with acute debilitating abdominal pains. Basically the worst pain in my life. Ever. Even when I put my back out and couldn't stand or walk this was worse. I had a case of the silent screams. The ones you see on the movies when people open their mouths but nothing comes out? Yeah that was me for the first four hours at the hospital. I couldn't walk. Had to be pushed around, keeled over at the waist.

After 4 hours and 4 morphine drips through my IV that did nothing whatsoever to quell the pain 2 shots of dilaudid directly into my vein finally did the trick. I came down from the "what is your level of pain between 0-10" and mine was 15 to the level of pain that was tolerable around a 5.

Although I was tentatively booked in for exploratory surgery to see what was going on (2 ultra sounds later they still had no idea) my pain subsided enough to put that idea on hold until I could talk to my Dr. and see if a more drastic plan of action was needed. I left the hospital with "diagnosis unknown" against the Dr.'s orders to be kept overnight. I pretty much need to be strapped down against my will to stay overnight in an hospital.

I hate…I mean HATE hospitals. When I was 5 and had my tonsils removed I screamed and cried literally the whole time and my Mom embarrassingly recalls that I called the Dr. a few choice names (insert swear words that no 5 years old should know here) to express my displeasure with the whole thing. Since then I can't step foot in one without freaking out on the inside.

Three summers ago I broke my elbow and didn't go to the hospital for 3 weeks to get it checked. In fact when I finally went to see my family Dr. after 3 weeks she was the one that insisted that I go to the Emergency. So you see…it takes a lot before I will step foot in a hospital.

I've been dealing with "lady issues" for over a year now. I have kept thinking that I could avoid a major surgery and would be able to slide by any hospital stays. After yesterday I have to reconsider because don't want to be spending 3 days out of every month at the hospital filled with drugs. This is the second severe episode I had. I didn't go to the hospital for the first one.

So…the trip to France is now cancelled. Postponed until later this summer. I have an appointment next week with my Dr. to decide on the next steps for me.

If you were wondering why I haven't been around visiting blogs or posting that is why.

I am coping with the pain management now so hopefully I will be back to normal in a few days.

Now you know the worst birthday I ever had.

I figure it can only get better after this now …right?