Suzanne Carillo

So you may or may not know that we have been dealing with an unexpected illness.

The big C.

It has really made me sit up and take notice and think about my life. About what is important and what isn't.

Don't hate me.

But suddenly blogging seemed silly.

Fashion blogging especially.

I couldn't even look at my blog for days. Never mind other blogs.

Why on earth would I be spending precious moments of my life photographing myself in different outfits sometimes with a little bit of whimsical writing on the side describing my thoughts or ideas about fashion?

In the grand scope of things it is

meaningless,

shallow

and let's be totally honest,

self aggrandizing.

Is my "Spring inspired on trend outfit" really going to make a difference in someones life? Is it making a difference in my life?

Sure there is the old saying,

look good,

feel good.

I really used to live by that mantra.

Will I be happy dying knowing that I looked good doing it? Or will I regret having spent so much time shopping? Looking for that perfect outfit.

I decided very quickly that shuffling along like ghosts undignified in open backed hospital gowns, pushing poles of fluid lines dripping from our bodies like alien tentacles we are all equally fashion-less drones marching unwillingly towards death.

I have tried and tried to justify my love of fashion blogging.

But it's time for a reality check.

I'm not making any money,

I am promoting over-consumption and really

I'm not helping anyone or improving the world in any way.

When I finally could stomach looking at my blog again I was surprised to see I'd missed one important tidbit in my analysis of all of the reasons to never blog again.

People.

Connections.

Kindness.

Some of my readers reached through the vast emptiness of the internet and offered words of compassion and comfort.

Maybe I'd been thinking about the whole thing backwards.

Maybe blogging wasn't about me doing something to help someone, making money or getting clients. Maybe it was creating an opportunity for my readers to help me. To show me that it isn't all an online wasteland of porn, consumerism, and trolls. There are real people out there that truly do care. People I've never met and probably never will. People that have their own problems yet take the time to comfort others. People that I never would have connected with had it not been for fashion blogging.

Next week we will have the pathology report back and I imagine that it will either be a great relief or require us to gear up for another battle. Either way I am feeling unprepared and ill qualified.

It is going to take some time to weed through all of my feelings about blogging and how I want to spend the moments of my life. I don't doubt that there will be changes ahead.

I used to think that when you get older you get wiser, but that is just a bunch of BS.

The older you get the more you think about dying and less you think about living.

I need to reverse that thought pattern.

To live now, laugh more and love with abandon.

Those are some goals I know I won't regret.